Death of a Savant

Kim Peek, the savant who inspired Rain Man, died on my Birthday. Below is a brief article.

http://www.sltrib.com/News/ci_14043625

There are a plethora of documentaries about the man who had the ability to remember almost anything he ever saw or heard, though lacked any social skills or ability to have interpersonal relationships. One of my favorite celebrity figures, he was incredibly unique and so tragically, was probably never able to appreciate the gift he had. There's not really much else to say, so rest in peace, brilliant man.

Birthday Mugging

As I write this, it is less than an hour until my 27th birthday (12/19/82).

AHF was kind enough to get me an awesome Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock shirt along with giving me a piece of dark knobby wood worthy of a black porn film (giggity). My parents, on the other hand, got me a nice Islanders hoodie and a Star Trek coffee mug (pictured below), among other things. The sad part is, I'm quite delighted with the mug, which reitterates previous comments to others that it sucks getting to the age were getting a nice coffee mug is actually exciting. When did that happen, that a coffee mug became enjoyable. Am I really that old? I think that revelation might have been one of the reasons one of the Von Erich brothers killed themself.

Why I love the NHL

I haven't followed hockey for years. In fact, until the last season, I probably watched a dozen Islanders games since graduating college. Between the lack of televised games and the complete lack of ESPN attention, it is easy to forget about professional hockey. I'll never argue that the NHL matters a tenth as much as NBA, NFL, or baseball, but thanks to NHL network, Versus, and a smattering of Bruins games on NESN, I've watched nearly a game a night this seasons, and have remembered why the sport is fun.

1) Fast pace. The game is faster paced than any other sport, with a game getting done in 2.5 hours. With my lack of attention span, it's great. Moreover, the DVR allows any missed goals a quick replay, allowing me to divert my attention elsewhere.

2) Lack of personality. Sports personalities are great, but there's only so much I want to hear about Tiger, Tom Brady, Payton Manning, A-Rod, Kobe, etc. I'll watch them in amazement, but when it comes down to it, the individual focus that ESPN and other media outlets give to individual athletes for deeds in and out of the game becomes too much to bear. Outside of Crosby and Ovechkin, the average person likely couldn't name another two NHL players without some serious thought. This makes for an interesting game, because even the league superstars don't dominate all pre and post game talk, can't dominate the ice the entire game, and don't feel as if they are all that matters about the game.

3) Anybody's game. The home-ice advantage is big in the NHL, but it never quite feels it; not the way home field in the NFL does, not even the way it does in baseball or basketball. Sure, the Islanders have sucked on the road this year, but the worst team can go in and beat the best team any given night. There's not a single game I have watched with any certainty of outcome. Even a two goal lead isn't enough to say "It's all over" until much later in the game.

4) Relevance. The New York Islanders are finally relevant to hockey again. I'm not proclaiming any deep playoff run for them this year, or maybe not even a spot. However they're out of the cellar with a plethora of young prospects. They're in the playoff picture, with some serious talent, and an amazingly skilled Dwayne Roloson in goal, filling in for Rick DiPietro who has been out for a year. John Tavares, the number one pick in last years draft, is tied for lead in points and a surefire rookie of the year candidate. I'd guess within 2 or 3 years, he'll be in that top 10% of elite players, with his scoring ability, speed, and youth (he's 19).



5) Live Hockey! Well, not the NHL, but AHL. I've seen four games this year right on the glass, for less than what I would have paid for a decent seat at Fenway Park. With the huge amount of roster movements between AHL and NHL, I've been able to see a bunch of players who have been or will be on NHL rosters this year. No other sports developmental leagues can say that.



Hockey will never be relevant again, but as far as a fun sport to follow day by day, it's really done it for me this year.

Save Water, Lick a Pussy (Cat)

I hate stories about people's kids. So I promise, when I tell a story about a kid in a non-mocking tone, it's worth it:

While babysitting my cousin, he decided to pet his cat Sunshine as she groomed herself, clearly annoying the cat and messing up its freshly licked fur. "Matty, when the kitty licks itself, it wants to be clean. It licks itself the way we shower or take a bath." Without missing a beat, he picks up the cat, licks its head, puts it down and says, "I don't feel clean!"

Resistance is Far from Futile

This September, the music world was treated to a new album by Muse, the British alt/indie rock trio whose over-the-top prog overtones seem to defy any particular genre. The Resistance, the band's fifth album, provides the listener with a bombastic and exhilarating experience.

From the first notes, the album immediately grabs its audience with the energetic "Uprising," a relatively straight forward rock song a pulsing drum beat and guitar riffs reminiscent of an aggressive Blondie song. Once energized, the listener gets the enjoy of delving into the title track "Resistance" which plays like a modern day Queen song, replete with huge harmonies, monstrous Brian May-like guitar riffs, and rattling drum beats. By the time "United States of Eurasia (+Collateral Damage)" Matthew Bellamy's vocals and guitar riffs simultaneously capture both May and Mercury enough to make even the casual listener do a double-take at the similarity between the aforementioned Queen.

Amazingly, though, the album is not admirable simply for its reminiscence to the pomp of Queen. Bellamy's riffs and highly emotive voice, combined with skilled and catchy drumming and a solid pounding bass backing are enough to be completely engrossing. The album finishes with an astonishing and extravagant three-song set, each entitled "Exogenesis: Sympathy." The tracks form a suite that mixes classical movements, including Chopin's Nocturne (which clearly influenced Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue), with more towering layers of guitar riffs that make the suite feel like a joint effort between a prog super group and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Moreover, the suite provides a stunning end to the entire album, a stunning crescendo to an aural experience of epic proportions.

Fuck saving Horses

No matter how catchy the song may be, I am never riding a cowboy. I did, however, ride a horse for the first time in my life on Saturday. Emily was kind enough to introduce me to Charlie (yeah, Charlie Horse, so original), the quarterhorse. Standing at 16 hands, the burnt sienna colored equine was quite charming, having a really relaxed look to him, which assuaged initial fears.

Fortunately, he was gentle with an inexperienced rider (no jokes about my sex life please), and despite being somewhat goofy, was a lot of fun. Emily was also incredibly patient with my inability to properly hold the reins and turn. The only downside outside of the initial fear is that a day later my legs feel like they were stretched apart and I haven't had this much groin pain since the time I played goalie for the Detroit Redwings in 1999. Though, that second part might have been a dream.

If God ate Mac and Cheese...

He'd eat my recipe. A slight thanks to Rachel Ray for the recommendation on making a roux, and Maruzze for the Gruyere suggestion. Here's the recipe, with a little explanation mixed in. This must be shared.

First, boil some water in a pot for a full box/bag of oricchette or small shells. While you're waiting for those to cook, prepare your sauce.

Start with a medium sauce pan, with a tablespoon or two of olive oil and a tablespoon of butter. Get it nice and hot so the butter melts and drop in 1/4 cup of chopped onions. Cook them on a medium low heat so you sweat the onions creating a nice sweet texture. When you get a little bit of bubbling with the oil, whisk in 1 tbsp of paprika, 1/2 tbsp (1.5 tsp) of either cayenne or chipotle pepper, and 3 tbsp of flour. This will create an orange roux. Get the roux bubbling, add in 1/2 cup of sour cream and about 3 cups of skim milk. Raise the heat, and bring to a quick boil. Once boiling, reduce to a simmer. Let thicken 3-5 minutes.

Once your basic sauce has thickened, add 2 cups mild cheddar cheese, shredded, and 1 cup of gruyere chease, also shredded. Allow to melt into sauce for 1-2 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350.

Take your cooked pasta, drain but do not rinse, and combine with melted cheese sauce. Once thorougly combined, put in 8x8 baking pan. Top with breadcrumbs and thick cut bacon. Put foil over baking pan and bake in oven for 30 minutes at 350.

Once baked, allow to cool, and serve.

Believe me, this is worth it.

When Rhinocerotes Attack

Newsline - Associated Press - 14 November

Tragedy nearly struck this weekend when a young Puerto Rican woman narrowly avoided being gored to death by a rhinoceros who was reportedly provoked by a group of intoxicated onlookers. The woman's friends were able to save the girl from certain doom. However, to the chagrin of local authorities, the rhinoceros escaped captured and was last believed to be headed to Spain. Anyone with information about the stray odd-toed ungulate are encouraged to call big Joe. When asked about the incident afterwords, the woman only replied, "Pumpkin Tits!"

You know, that novel I've been working on...

I know you're all about to ask, "How you uh, how you comin' on that novel, you're workin' on huh? Got a big uh big stack of papers there? Got a got a got a nice little nice little story you're workin' on there, the big big uh novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist huh? Got a uh got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Little story brewin' there? Workin' on, workin on that for quite some time huh? Yeah talkin' about that three years ago eh? Been workin' on that the whole time? Nice little uh narrative uh beginning middle and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends yeah? At the end you're uh main character is uh richer for the experience yeah? Yeah? Yeah you got uh .. No, no you you deserve some time off."

Well, the answer is, just damn peachy... sort of. I love knowing that I have a plot developed that would work in nearly any setting, not just a science fiction series that will make literary critics eyes roll. I just hate how tough it is writing effective dialogue that doesn't come across as hackneyed. I sometimes can't help but wonder how a War and Peace type novel was written, and how sane Tolstoy, or any of those epic authors could possibly be.

Was this really worth writing a blog about? Probably not, but at least you got to read a Family Guy quote.

Hail Caesar

For the 27th time in their existence, the New York Yankees, baseball's version of the Roman Empire, were crowned the World Series Champion. Like the crowning of many Roman emperors, the championship will be celebrated in the streets of the homeland, with confetti replacing the blood of slaughtered chattel. And like the leaders of Rome, those who helped to build this Yankee empire come replete with stories of lavish spending, unchecked megalomania, scandalous personal indiscretions, and a list of enemies as long as the list of victories.

Just as Rome was not built in a day, the Yankee empire was one that could only be built through exorbitant spending and manipulation, but most of all, hard work and ruthless perseverance in the face of its enemies. Now the triumphant empire stands proud over its fallen enemies, holding trophies the of their conquest. Their enemies, not dressed in blood-stained armor like the soldiers of Carthage, Palmyra, and so many, but in dirt-smeared uniforms and battered cleats, are left to watch, in both awe and envy of their pinstriped conquerors.

As a member of one of those conquered nations, left battered and beaten by the conquering force, I am left alive and defeated, resentful of success won at the hands of my own dominion's failure. Even more painful than the defeat itself, though, is the thought that for the following days, I must be forced to live by the saying "when in Rome..." Thus, like the Roman gladiators, many of who were slaves from a defeated rival, I can only turn towards the Steinbrenners, Brian Cashman, and the Yankee players, and bitterly address them; "Hail Caesar, we who are about to die, salute you!"

Mother Earth is a bitch!

Below is an article from a blog by Charlie Stross. In short, it sums up an old scientific theory about the relative uninhabitable nature of the Earth. While it's been discussed in the past by many writers, Stross puts this in a very different light, making it easy to understand and very interesting to read.

http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2009/10/how_habitable_is_the_earth.html

What I find most interesting about this article is that in many ways this theory can be used by believers to insist upon the existance of a supreme being ("It had to be God's plan, it's too big of a coincidence not to be.") or by non-believers to praise the randomness of evolution and the cosmic dice throw. As someone who is basically agnostic, with a leaning towards some sort of supreme architect of the universe, whether it is "God" or the governing laws of phyics, I'm left in sheer amazement of the evolution of the human machine.

Reviewing "The Inferno"

While it might be exceptionally pretentious to assume anyone wishes to read the review of a 700 year old book that has been broken down time and time again, I'll risk pretention and make a quick comment on Dante's epic poem.

So powerful was this poem that the Christian vision of hell was essentially reworked to coincide with the imagery in Dante's work. Interestingly, "The Inferno" was meant as much of a commentary on the political state of Florence spliced with references to pagan myths and historical figures. In actually, I have found nothing "Christian" about this vision, lacking any of the so called Christian virtues. Charity, compassion, sympathy, forgiveness; these are almost entirely lacking.

What is so interesting about this, is that the imagery was so vivid, so frightening, and so cleverly written, that the descriptions of hellish punishments for sinners became a tool for the Church to use frighten its followers. Of course, this is nothing new to the fourteenth century, as the Christian institution has often used an assortment of past traditions and powerful imagery to achieve its religious and political objectives.

In many ways, I almost find it unfortunate that the Christain view of hell is little more than a work of fiction that has been taken as a point of faith. Snark aside, this seems the modern day equivalent of using the next apocolyptic film as a true vision of the future. On the other hand, the Inferno is so enjoyable and unlike anything every written (save Milton's "Paradise Lost") that Christianity could have done far worse.

Book Excerpt

Untitled Star Trek Project

For the last two and a half years, I have been developing a novel-length story in the Star Trek universe. Taking place approximately three years after Star Trek: Nemesis, the begining of the book will be set in mid-2831, in the wake of a devastationg and near-apocalyptic invasion of the Federation, in which much of society is forced to deal with life in a universe recovering from unthinkable disaster.

Following the published works of the expanded universe, the premise deals with a young scientist and Starfleet officer struggling to come to terms with the often tenuous relationship between peacetime exploration and the military. Analyzing the effects of military institution and its dichotomy with civilian life, the project is meant to reflect upon historical events and merge them with the world of Star Trek.

The exerpt below, does not deal directly with the above theme, but rather serves as a brief introduction to John Chamberlain, an experienced captain and secondary protagonist. Chamberlain will come to represent the military complex within Starfleet, an organization that must balance its peaceful functions with its more martial ones. His name and basic character, are directly inspired and draw many comparisons to Joshua L. Chamberlain, Civil War hero and Maine statesman (and possible distant ancestor). In the book, Chamberlain will play commanding officer and friendly authority figure to Gavin Malkar, the project's protagonist, who I will introduce later.

U.S.S. Grayson
Indri VIII

Captain John Chamberlain squinted to read the words flashing across vibrating data terminal in front of him. Setting down his cup of coffee, which proceeded to splash on the rattling desk, he let out a barely audible sigh and gripped the desk monitor, unsuccessfully trying to steady the device. Letting his eyes drift off the monitor and scanning the small, sterile ready room, Chamberlain could not help but notice the barrenness of his surroundings. The plain antimony walls, harsh lighting, and well-worn black desk in front of him, did every bit as much to betray the age of his temporary command, as did the shaking of the room around him. At over a century old, the U.S.S. Grayson was just one of hundreds of mothballed ships that had been brought into service in the wake of the disastrous Borg invasion earlier in the year. Having served in Starfleet for over three decades, the fifty-one year old Chamberlain was no stranger to being aboard starships old and new, but the less than rhythmic vibrations of the ship's warp deceleration proved to be slightly jarring. Still, everything that has happened these last few months has been jarring, Chamberlain thought.

Despite the slightly bumpy deceleration, it was only the sharp chime of the ship's intercom that broke Captain Chamberlain of his reverie.

Velazquez to the Captain, a female voice chirped through the speaker.

“Go ahead, Lieutenant.”

Sir, we've come out of warp in the Indri system. We're due to make orbit in just under four minutes, but we've picked up something unusual on the ship's sensors.

“Unusual?” Chamberlain replied, taking a small sip of his coffee.

Yes, sir. For a fraction of a second, short-range sensors seemed to indicate a small source of vertiron particles and rather high neutrino emissions.

“Vertirons and neutrinos,” the Captain's voice showing a hint of intrigue, “are you sure?”

Yes, Captain. We couldn't get a fix on the exact source, but the computer registered a definite reading.

“Well neutrinos could indicate the presence of a cloak,” Chamberlain said, in a tone indicating absent conjecture rather than any certainty.

Lieutenant Wallace suggested that too. From what we can tell, the source was far to small to be a cloaked ship. There doesn't appear to be any immediate threat.

“Well, Velazquez,” Chamberlain replied, lightly dismissive, “with the age and condition of these sensors, you could very well be chasing ghosts. We can always double back and scan the area after we've unloaded the cargo, but for now, let's proceed to our scheduled rendezvous. I'll be on the bridge in a moment. Chamberlain out.”

Tapping off the data terminal and taking one more sip of coffee, Chamberlain set down the cup once more on the now-still desk. Seeing his reflection in the black screen of the blank monitor, he noticed the small creases that had subtly began to form on the sides his eyes over, betraying his own advancing age. This betrayal was further exacerbated by the sprinkling of gray that had just recently begun to appear in his sandy-brown mustache; a bushy horseshoe-shaped bit of facial hair that hung over his upper lip and down the sides of his mouth. This walrus-like mustache distinguished him every bit as much as the slightly long hair that hung just past the tops of his ears, making the captain seem like somewhat of an anachronism, fit more to commanding a cavalry brigade than a starship. Hair that was also, Chamberlain admitted to himself as he peered at his reflection, starting to show the slightest bit of gray in the temples.

His heavy brow furrowing, Chamberlain stood up and tugged at his black uniform shirt, then adjusted his red collar slightly, making sure to be the perfect image of order when he appeared on the Grayson's bridge. To his credit, Chamberlain had a very regal bearing, despite his somewhat unusual look. Having once been described by a colleague as appearing firm and but not too rigid, every detail of his person was properly seen to. Adding to this image was a somewhat austere, though quite thoughtful look, that seemed to be permanently affixed to the captain's face. As he made his way out the ready room door and onto the bridge, Chamberlain hoped that this image would show to his new, albeit temporary, crew.

Note: Avid Star Trek fans will take note of the ship, "U.S.S. Grayson," named for character Amanda Grayson, wife of Sarek of Vulcan. Described by A.C. Crispin in her 1994 novel Sarek, the ship's namesake was said to be a humanitarian and noted civilian scientist. As a result, I found it fitting to name a relief ship.

Random Musings 2: Eclectic Bugaloo

Here's a few Top 7 lists to chew on. Why 7? It's a biblical number. It's more decisive than 5. It's completely arbitrary, just like the lists. These are in no particular order

Top 7 Awesome Smells
1) Libraries: C'mon, there's something awesome about the smell of musty paper and rows upon rows of books.
2) Playdough: Try to contest this one
3) Pumpkin Spice Donut: See Also: Pumpkin Spice Beer, Pumpkin Spice Anything
4) Fresh Basil (still on plant): Mix with lemon for orgasmic scent
5) Beer mash: Before it's beer, it's a mushy brown mash of grains and boiling water that smells like a cross between bread and awesome.
6) Ice Hockey Rink: Seriously, go smell it. I don't know what the chemical is, but it's amazing.
7) New York City: Olfactory Overload

Top 7 Books that NEED to be written (and some that could never be)
1) Comprehensive History of the Eisenhower Interstate System: You could circle the world dozens of times with the pavement laid down in the 1950's and 1960's. It has to be worth a read.
2) Comprehensive History of the NYC Subway System: 700 miles of track under granite, swamp, and even river. The ultimate engineering marvel of the world.
3) Presidents and Polygraphs: Ask US Presidents questions while hooked up to a Polygraph. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy.
4) A Muslim's View of the Crusades: Go back in time, kidnap a Muslim leader during the invasions, let him write an autobiography.
5) Christ - The Autobiography: Would the holes in his hands keep him from properly holding a pen?
6) The History of Comfort Foods: The story behind who came up with foods like PB&J and Mac n Cheese. Seriously, just think about the combinations of food we eat.
7) The List Book: A book listing the greatest lists of all time. Who doesn't like lists? Communists, that' who.

Top 7 Candies Old People Like
1) Black Licorice: It's like beer. You can't enjoy it under a certain age.
2) Worther's Original: Awesomeness comes in a coffee flavored hunk of sugar.
3) Sugar-Free Lifesavers: Try the mixed berry ones.
4) After Dinner Mints: Those weird chalky mints you get at restaurants and grandparents houses have some great value
5) NECCO Wafers: Addictive despite how horrible they are
6) Spice Drops: The look of disappointment when a little kid thinks he's getting fruity candy and bites into a purple spice drop that tastes like licorice and mint makes these worthwhile.
7) Butterscotch Candies: If you haven't gotten and enjoyed one of these from someone over 50 you either don't have grandparents or don't hang out with pedophiles.

Top 7 Flags of the World
1) Britain' Union Jack: Even the French like this.
2) Libya: These fuckers were too lazy to actually design something, so they hung a plain green sheet.
3) Macedonia: Yellow sun with a red background sorta like a twisted old Japanese rising sun. Awesomeness.
4) Bhutan: Anyone who can get a dragon on their flag is okay by me.
5) Nazi Germany: Yeah, fuck the Nazi's and everything they did. And fuck them for ruining what was an awesome logo.
6) Sri Lanka: What's better than a dragon than a lion-dragon thingy holding a knife! Bonus points for the crazy colors.
7) Nepal: Apparently the rectangular fabric store was closed the day it was designed.

Top 7 Never-Printed Family Circus Plots
1) The one where Jeffy gets kidnapped by the creepy neighbor.
2) The one where Bill beats Thelma and the kids for ruining his life.
3) The one where Dolly accidentally puts the car in reverse, running over the family dog.
4) The one where the kids age.
5) The one that shows a minority.
6) The one where Thelma admits that P.J. was a failed abortion.
7) The one that's actually funny.

Top 7 Overrated Rock Bands
1) Aerosmith: I don't want to walk this way or that.
2) The Doors: Die Jim Morrison. Well, at least you did that right.
3) U2: Bono's toned it back a bit in recent years, but have they really done much good since the 1980's?
4) Nirvana: Everyone (including me) has had a Nirvana phase. Some great stuff, but how many shit bands did they influence? And ask yourself this: If Cobain hadn't died, how many more albums could he do that sounded like they did without people getting sick of them.
5) Pink Floyd: Sorry, but 3 great albums don't excuse all the crap.
6) The Eagles: A few great hits, a LOT of crap.
7) Van Halen: How they ever got as popular as they did will never cease to amaze.

Top 7 Shows That Were Cancelled Too Soon
1) Firefly
2) Animaniacs
3) Andy Richter Controls the Universe
4) The Chevy Chase Show: A week, guys, really?!
5) Enterprise: It was just getting good.
6) Reading Rainbow: Fuck you, illiterate youth!
7) Eek the Cat: Meet Halley, Acorn, Steven Junior, Gunther, and my lovely wife, SUUUUUZAN

Marty

Marty the Zebra, from Madagascar. Oil, acrylic, pen, felt marker on canvas panel. 12"x16"

Musings of No Particular Importance

As an opinionated know-it-all, I am never short of things to discuss, which brings me to the following things that have been on my mind lately. They very in intensity and seriousness, mostly being utterly meaningless. In no particular order, here are my week's thoughts.

The NFL has hit a gold mine this season with the huge number of high-profile quarterbacks. I don't care much about NFL, but even I am tuning in.

House, M.D. has been incredible television for the start of the season. How they manage to keep the show watchable with the same diagnostic premises every week is a miracle of nature.

For reasons that I'm uncertain of, I've enjoyed the hell out of Flash Forward, despite it being a completely ridiculous premise.

My uncle Scott was generous enough to take me to the Red Sox game last Tuesday, which despite the loss, was a great time and a great game. He's always been good to me, but one-on-one, he's awesome.

The NYC subway system and the US Eisenhower interstate system are the two greatest achievements of mankind next to buffalo wings and ,lesbian porn.

The UConn library needs to let UConn alumni check out books. I could spend days in there reading history books, like I did when I was pledging. Of course, my GPA sucked but I knew lots about Freemasons and the Roman Army.

"Win" and "Fail" are so overused, but are the best slang to describe a positive and negative in a while. It certainly beats "SCORE!" Fuck you girl in Mrs. Cirillo's Writing and the Media Class who said that after anything even remotely good happened. "You got a C+ on your test." "SCORE!" "Hey, the lunch lady gave me an extra meatball. SCORE!" "Wow, the Bruins just put the puck in the net. SCORE!"

I shall be attending the Army vs. Vanderbilt football game on 10/10 with AHF and the folks. West Point is truly my favorite place in the East Coast to be. A certain ex-girlfriend's vagina would have been number one, but she's not in the East Coast anymore, and if memory serves, most men have had a harder time getting into West Point.

Yankees/Sox ALCS? Likely, but I honestly just don't care this year that much. Bigger things to worry about.

Hockey season has started, and I had no idea until 3 days in. It says something about that sport.

Why does Notre Dame still have a fan following?

Laws need to be changed to protect teachers in this country. No comment about my particular case, but I've been reading cases of teachers being blackballed out of the progression for doing nothing.

Does anyone know a good publisher or someone who I can get to knock on Pocket's door?

I've been painting Marty the Zebra from Madagascar for Emily. Expect a finish pic shortly.

I don't like following politics, but for a guy who ran on a centrist platform, Obama's about as Left as you can get without having your dick in a tree. This isn't wholly a bad thing, but his alienation of the Republican party could come back to bite him in the ass. Moreover, if it leads to a Republican in the White House before his healthcare plan has come to fruition, it could be 4 or 8 years of work wasted. Slightly scary. Nonetheless, he seems genuinely likeable, which is sifferent than the last guy.

WWE writing is really stagnant lately.

My fraternity brother Wilpat is being married in Madrid on November 28th. Sadly I'll be unable to attend, but wish him and Deb the best of luck.

I'll have more later, but here are some topics to get anyone reading this thinking.

B.Mo.

Life as Art: The Graph

So while reflecting on my life (I do a lot of that these days), I had this interesting idea for an abstract art project. Graph out, on some sort of 3-dimensional medium, (I’m thinking dowels, string, or something similar) the high and low points of one’s life. The X-Axis would represent time, the Y-Axis the level of happiness of the memory. The Z-Axis would be filled with a variety of materials, graphing things like financial security, memories of world events, love interests, etc. In theory, every person would show a very different graph, but I’d guess that certain parts would coincide. However, it would be as much about the expression of one’s life in an artistic graph than it would be about a true psychological or sociological study. Stay tuned, I might work on this.

New York City Craft Beer Week

Quality Beer Weekend

I spent the past weekend in New York City, and while I could take pages describing the museums, the copious amount of food, the amazing fashion, or y time with friends, I really just want to get out some advertising for some incredible bars and brewers.

Sepember 11th-20th marks Craft Beer Week in NYC, with hundreds of different craft brews being sold at 82 bars across the city in 4 boroughs. Some of the top beer bars in the city, including House of Brews on West 51st street and Blind Tiger down in the Greenwich Villiage area (home to the best grilled cheese I have ever tasted).

The highlight of the experience, however, was Rattle 'N' Hum Bar http://www.rattlenhumbarnyc.com/ on East 33rd Street in Manhattan. Hosting "Brewers Nights" for 9 straight nights, I was fortunate enough to be there both Friday and Saturday before I left, getting to meet the brewmasters from Ommegang, Allagash, and Ithica breweries.

Before I heap praise onto one of those breweries specifically, I must comment on the bar itself: A dark place, with a long old-fashioned bar with about 30 taps on the back wall. Crowded, with just a few tables, the remarkable part of the bar was its huge selection of cask beers. Uncarbonated, stored and aged at room temperature, and poured only through gravity, cask beers tend to come few and far between at most bars. A good beer bar will have 3 or 4 cask selections. Due to beer week, however, there were close to 30 casks, ranging from belgian pale ales, sour beers, to a remarkable Stone Smoked Porter with Vanilla.

After arriving on Friday with Madison and sampling some of the casks (as well as the Obammegang brew from Ommegang), my excitement turned to the arrival of the brewers. Hearing me ask about their whereabouts to a waitress, Patrick, slightly-brogued owner of the bar, introduced himself and asked me to follow him. I was quickly whisked away and introduced to Rob Todd, brewmaster of Allagash Brewing Company http://www.allagash.com/ in Maine. The ensuing conversation consisted mostly of his experiences with BeerSchool.com, the value of preserving recipe secrets, and the potential for a Flanders Red Ale or other sour beer in the collection.

Immediately after, we were joined by a giant of a man, who turned out to be Phil Leinhart, Brewmaster of Ommegang Brewery http://www.ommegang.com/. While not the creater of Ommegang, he has put out wonderful beers since fully taking over production in 2008. Also polite, he briefly got in on the Red Ale discussion. I bid them both farewell and returned to the patiently-waiting Madison. It as truly an excellent experience.

The highlight of the beer experience, however, was the following day. With my friend Leentje in tow, I ventured back to Rattle 'N' Hum for a second day of beers before I departed to New York City. Recognizing me from the prior night, Patrick directed me over to Eric VanZile, sales rep of Ithaca Beer Company http://www.ithacabeer.com/, who then proceeded to say hello and bring me over to Jeff O'Neil, executive brewer for Ithica. Immediately friendly and welcoming, they told me about Ithaca distribution in Connecticut and Massachusetts, and their desire to expand. Eventually, we delved into a talk about his Cascazilla Red Ale, a hop-monster with some of the most unusual characteristics you'll find in an East Coast beer.

(Some of Ithica's brews, including Cascazilla, the Red Ale with IPA bite)

Taking a stance about cloning beers directly opposite to that of Rob Todd, Jeff happily explained the recipe to Cascazilla and encouraged me to email him for a detailed breakdown of the ingredient ratios and mash times (I gotta get on that) for his recipe. While I'm grateful to have met Rob and Phil, I especially impressed with the passion that Jeff and Eric had for their beer. Beyond a friendliness that is necessary for good product marketing, there was an unwavering enthusiasm in both of them that seemed so genuine and real. After a few more minutes talking about growing hops, I let them be, but in the fifteen or so minutes they spoke to Leentje and I, they gained a customer for life and a recommendation to try their beers at the earliest available opportunity.

Once again, thank you Jeff and Eric.

A list of beers sampled this weekend:

Radeberger Pilsner (Draft)

Thomas Hardy's Ale 2008 (Vintage Bottle)

Ommegang Cave Aged Abbey Ale 2007 (Cask)

Stone Smoked Porter with Vanilla Beans (Cask)
Ommegang (AKA Obammegang) Election Ale 2008 (Draft)

Allagash Four Quadruple (Draft)

Brooklyn Sirhachi Ale (Draft)

Brooklyn Blast! (Draft)

Elysian Dragonstooth Stout (Draft)

Elysian Elysian Trip II Golden Ale (Draft)

Jolly Pumpkin Weisen Bam (Cask)
Ommegang Hennepin Saison (Draft)

Worth Its Salt

Just a quick writeup today, but I beg you to consider this question: What do you think is the most widely used grocery product in America? I don't have an answer for this, but if I could go door to door and look in every one's pantries, cupboards, refrigerators, freezers, or anywhere else food might be stored, I'd be willing to bet that one particular product is found in more homes than almost any other. I don't think it's Coca-Cola, Heinz Ketchup, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, or even the timeless American classic, Wonder Bread. No, I believe it's this:





Morton Salt.

What? Salt?

Before about 150 years ago, to be "worth one's salt" meant that person was exceptionally valuable, just like salt, because of its extreme rarity. However with the discovery of processes to get salt from the earth, the price of salt dropped to where it is now one of the cheapest commodities in the world. Salt is now so cheap, in fact, that you rarely find that grocery stores and chains like Wal-Mart and Target even bother to produce generic versions. Even baking soda, flour, or sugar can claim that mark.

With this in mind, picture a container of salt. What does it look like? Probably the one above. Even as someone with experience in cooking, I had a difficult time thinking of more than 2 more brands of salt. Even my spendthrift former roomate who would almost never buy name brand anything had a container of Morton Salt in our cupboard before any of the other roomates moved in. It might have been the only name brand in the entire house (Even the ever-American Heinz Ketchup was not to be found).

Still not convinced? Think about this: Most people drink soda, but some prefer Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper, or even Tab if you're into that stuff. There are those people who don't drink it at all. Ketchup? Sure, every kid in America likes it, but there are those dirty rat bastards (oh hell, even this house), that will go with Hunts instead of Heinz, for reasons beyond me. Baking soda? Eh, generic brands are 1/2 the price. French's yellow mustard; not for those who prefer brown mustard! See what I'm saying? Even those companies with huge market shares have competition. Even in a house with a low-sodium diet such as mine has 3 different types of Morton Salt on hand.

What's the point of this post? Not much, really. Obviously Morton doesn't have the advertising power that Coke, Budweiser, Heinz, or any of the other big time brands does, but I challenge anyone to go to the grocery store and see what brands of salt are out there and I dare anyone to come back without telling me they saw a vast majority of the salt was Morton. Don't wanna take a trip to the store? Okay, go look now, I'd bet 90% of you will come back having seen that girl in the rain suit and umbrella.

Did you look? I'll wait...

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Okay, I've waited long enough? Am I right? Thought so.

What's my point? I'm not sure, but to think about this: Morton Salt is as pervasive in the average American household as the moustached man of Orwell's 1984 reality. It really is a remarkable feat, in days of mass marketing, people buying glamorous brands, and nearly unlimited consumer protection. Perhaps Mr. Morton really is worth his own weight. But of course, you'll have to take this whole post with a grain of salt.

Author vs. Four-Year-Old

Every great man, every great following, and every great idea have had their shares of rivals, to which their greatness can be compared: Cesar had Mark; Antony Jesus had Satan; Judaism had Islam; Catholicism had Logic. Today the author looks to define his greatness in a face to face comparison of one of the greatest threats to his supremacy: A Four-Year-Old Boy.

Today, the blog will take a side by side look at the achievements of the author and his rival, judging their respective pre-eminence in a variety of areas.

Matchup 1: Artistic Expression.

Subject: Rabbit
Artifact 1: Burberry, as drawn by the four-year-old. Media: Marker, Paper

Note the rudimentary lines, monochromatic color scheme, and lack of significant detail. While the ears are properly proportioned to the eyes, no rabbit has a nose like that, and the whiskers are clearly too thick. Lastly, everyone knows, of course, that rabbits cannot smile like that, especially without the presence of carrots and alfalfa!

Artifact 2: Burberry, as drawn by Author. Media: Oil Pastels, Paper

In contrast, notice the author’s attention to detail, the soft texture of the fur the lifelike eyes, and the soft blending of colors.

Winner: Author (1-0)

Matchup 2: Lego Building

Subject: Lego Airplanes

Artifact 3: Plane as created by four-year-old

Looking at the four-year-old’s plane, it is difficult to distinguish any real shape. Lacking wings, a fuselage, and tail, this clearly would not take flight. While the effort of placing a propeller on the hastily built craft is noted, who in the name of Mr. Peanut puts a fucking propeller on the back of a non-flying plane?!

Artifact 4: Plane, as created by Author.

Examining the Author's construct, one clearly sees a fuselage, aerodynamic nosecones, wings, and a functioning rudder. Not only would this aircraft fly, its blue missiles present a clear threat to enemy Legos, Tycos, and MegaBlocks the entire world over. F****N MISSLES! HOW BADASS IS THAT?! Quite obviously, this is an example of aerospace mastery of the most epic proportions.

Winner: Author (2-0)

Matchup 3: Care for Animals

Subject: Fluff and Sunshine, 4-week-Old Kittens.

Artifact 5: Photograph of four-year-old with Fluff the Kitten.

Notice immediately that despite the subject’s moustache, top hat, and evil bandit mask, the kitten clearly is uninterested in being held. Also note the awkward manner of holding the young feline, potentially placing the animal at risk.

Artifact 6: Photograph of kittens Fluff and Sunshine on chest of Author.

Looking at the crooked and stained smile of Author, as well as the playful demeanor of the subject felines upon Author’s chest, one can see the relaxed atmosphere in the kitten’s domicile. Propped gently upon the ever-expanding stomach of the esteemed author, the kittens are carefree and so comfortable that they are willing to urinate on author without command (photo not shown). Clearly, Author’s ability to relate to animals is as masterful as his dexterity with Lego bricks.

Winner: Author (3-0)

Matchup 4: Creative Writing

Subject: Personal Statements from respective opponents

Artifact 7: Personal statement of four-year-old.

[None. Four-year-old’s cannot write clearly, type, nor express their thoughts in a coherent enough manner to take part in contest. When asked to give an oral reply, four-year-old commented “Kitties peed on Bryan. Sunshine is in box. Dora is on TV now.”]

Artifact 8: Personal statement by Author.

“F**K YEAH! CAN’T DO S**T, LITTLE TYKE. GO WATCH DORA, P***Y!”

Winner: Author (4-0)

Results: Author 4, Toddler 0

The winner is clear. The author has successfully claimed supremacy over his opponent, like gravity over D.B. Cooper. Tune in next week for Week 2, when our Author challenges an 11-year old-paraplegic and her helper goat.

*Lets remember, this is satire, folks.

Hypothetical History: Asking those unanswerable questions

As long as there has been history there have been historians willing to analyze, often ad nauseum, any event worth documenting. Though valuable to the understanding of human nature, even the most detailed analyses of critical human events often fail to address some of the most intriguing questions in history; the hypotheticals.

For very obvious reasons, hypothetical and rhetorical questions cannot be addressed in any serious scholarly historical analysis. Moreover, even if they could, the answers would be little more than opinionated guess work, which is traditionally, though somewhat hypocritically, shunned by the history community. Asking hypothetical questions of history can be every bit as thought provoking (and perhaps even more entertaining) than simple analysis.

In hopes of stimulating such thoughts, as well as providing entertainment, we’ll be taking a look at a series of hypothetical and rhetorical questions. Some are serious, some are snarky, some are downright ludicrous.

What If’s: Some questions about things that did or did not happen.

What if Neanderthals had won out over Homo sapiens?

If John the Baptist wasn’t killed by Herod, would his following have overshadowed his cousin’s?

What if the Roman’s used a substance other than lead to make their pipes?

What if Constantine rejected Christianity on his deathbed?

What if the various Barbarian hordes focused their attention on the eastern empire instead of Rome?

If Islam hadn’t spread the way it did, how long would it have taken Europe to come out of the dark ages?

What if DaVinci had successfully created one of his flying machines? Would flight have been possible without combustion engines?

Could the French Revolution have been avoided if the French government hadn’t helped the colonies fund the American Revolution?

What would have become of the Cold War if the allies decided to drop a nuclear weapon on Berlin?

What if Brian Jones didn’t die, and later reunited with The Rolling Stones?

What would have happened to the music industry if Woodstock was a failure?

What if George Lucas decided to put out the Star Wars prequels in the 1980, right after Return of the Jedi? What if he created them in order?

Would the Steroid Era of baseball have been as prominent if the 1994 strike didn’t occur?

What would the careers of people like Jordan, Kobe, and LeBron have looked like without the constraints of the shot clock?

What would have happened if Flight 93 hit its target?

What if Al Gore was elected in 2000 or John Kerry was elected in 2004?

Almost Famous: A look at obscure people involved in not-so-obscure events.

After Barabbas was freed by the Romans instead of Jesus, did he go on to commit any other crimes?
Did the carpenter who created crosses for Jerusalem have any idea how important his job was?

Was the last guy to sign the Declaration of Independence mad that he had to be last?

How bad did the usher waiting on Lincoln’s booth feel after the assassination?

Did the first Jew killed under Hitler’s regime have any idea the tragedy that would ensue?

At what points did the fifth Beatle begin having regrets?

What was going through the head of the Clemson player hit by Woody Hayes? Did he have any idea at that moment that it would be the last act of Hayes’ illustrious career?

Who was the first person in one of the WTC towers to realize a plane was about to hit?

Assorted Irrelevance:

What was the cause of the first fistfight between men?

Who was the first adulterer?

Who invented beastiality? Why?

Who was the first person put to death for doubting Christianity? Islam?

What was the first pornographic image put on the internet?

Who would be more beloved if they were still alive? Biggie or Tupac?

Did anyone die from organ failure due to their transplant not arriving after the 9/11 plane groundings?

What kind of speech will the first man on Mars have to give to top Neil Armstrong’s “One small step…” speech?

At what point will mankind decide to completely abandon all fossil fuels? Is it even possible?

Will sports ever become irrelevant to modern culture?

Will it ever become cool on a pop culture level to be religious?

When will Facebook decline the way Myspace has?

The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports

The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports

The New York Yankees. The Boston Celtics. The Detroit Redwings. The Dallas Cowboys. Notice how the historic franchises all have great team names? Even some of those old teams who just can’t get a winning break (Detroit Lions, Pittsburgh Pirates, Toronto Maple Leafs) can take some pride in knowing their names are synonymous with having some great names and great logos. Records aside, there will never be shame in wearing a Chicago Blackhawks shirt.

Then there’s those teams whose gear you just don’t want to be caught dead in. Here’s a look at some of those team names that just fail at inspiring fan pride or just flat out fail on a multitude of levels.

Calgary Flames
The NHL’s Calgary Flames suffer from displaced team syndrome, which we will see again. Originally the Atlanta Flames, the team was commemorates the burning of Atlanta by General Sherman in the Civil War. This may seem a little morbid considering the casualties suffered by the South during Sherman’s infamous march to see, but it’s a pretty solid name with great historical basis (which tends to make for great sports franchise naming). However, for either marketing reasons or sheer laziness, the franchise failed to rename themselves after their 1980 move to Calgary, simply changing their logo from a flaming A to a flaming C.

Team owner Nelson Skalbania insisted the name would fit well into an “oil town” such as Calgary, taking a page from the Edmonton Oilers (which Skalbania also once owned), but in doing so, he managed to ignore the imagery most associated with Calgary and most of the entire province of Alberta; the image of the cowboy. Even if they chose not to take the name of the failed WHA franchise, the cowboys, nor intrude on the CFL’s Calgary Roughriders, the Flames could have creatively honored the province’s traditions in a much more effective way.

Seattle Mariners
I like the Mariners current uniforms. I like their logo and its charming simplicity. I like their current color scheme as well as their classic blue and yellow coloring. Why am I including it on this list of teams with shabby names? What’s the largest trading port in America? Los Angeles? Next largest? Long Beach, CA. Next after that? New York. Next? Oakland? See my point. What’s the largest in Washington? Tacoma.
Yes, Seattle is on the sea. Yes, it’s a large port and home to plenty of ships. However, it’s not the biggest sea city on the West Coast. It’s not even the biggest in its own state! Go ask people on the street big port cities on the west. You’ll hear LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Portland, and probably a few others before Seattle comes to mind. And yet we throw the most nautical name we can think of on a franchise more known for its aeronautical development than it’s famous sailors (What, didn’t you know Jason and his Argonauts and Sinbad all grew up in Seattle? Yeah, they lived down the pier from Odysseus). It could be worse. It’s not like they’re the Seattle Corn Huskers or Seattle Washingtons, but it still makes the list for its failure to invoke an appropriate image for the city. Other teams will suffer from this, as we’ll see, and its aforementioned logo and color scheme save it from abject failure, but its general poopiness needs to be mentioned.

Utah Jazz
Like the Calgary Flames, here’s a franchise that suffers from lazy name syndrome. Once the New Orleans Jazz, the move of the franchise to the most conservative state of the union with more laws banning sex, alcohol, drugs, and loud concert venues that most other states to combined provides us with a ridiculous team names. The New Orleans Jazz is a great team name. You think jazz, you think N’awlns. You think N’awlns, you think jazz. You think Utah, you think mountains, Mormons, and not much else. Utah is about as jazzy as Maine is a hip hop center. Milwaukee Calypso anyone? Honolulu Rockers?

Columbus Blue Jackets
Named for Ohio’s “extensive Civil War history,” the Blue Jackets’ team name fails not for the idea, but for its poor implementation. The image of a blue-jacketed soldier charging into battle with gun in hand (or hockey stick) easily could have been one of the coolest logos going. If only the JMAC Hockey group who own the team had thought of this.

Instead of what could have been a great logo with a brave Union soldier on skates in a style similar to the UMass Minuteman or West Virginia Mountaineer, we get a mishmash of bad patriotic imagery. The Blue Jackets were represented for nearly a decade by a cartoonish blue bumblebee surrounded by various stars and stripes. Somewhere between a hornet, a yellow jacket, and a wasp (the non-martini kind), the patriotic bumble bee team ignored all Civil War references until a Civil War shoulder-patch was added in 2005. By then, it was too late, and NHL fans are stuck with a

Houston Texans
I love Lamar Hunt. His founding of the AFL to directly rival the NFL was a move of unprecedented ballsiness (yes, that’s a new word). His operation of the Kansas City Chiefs was admired by every other owner in the league. What most people don’t know, however, is that the Kansas City Chiefs were once the Dallas Texans. A lazy name, but their logo was every bit as lazy, and in its own way, quite clever: The state of Texas with a small star marking Dallas. Simple, cool, with a nice retro 1960’s feel.

Let’s flash forward 40+ years later. The city of Houston gets a franchise again. Having lost one of the best names in sports (the Oilers), they choose to honor their great state and indirectly, the former AFL franchise and go with the Houston Texans as their name. The first time, it was cool. A second time, it seems lazy, and not in the cool simplistic way.
I understand that a Texan has his own image of a tough and rugged western-type guy who could suck the venom out of a rattlesnake and spit it at you to kill you. That’s cool; that’s why we have the Dallas Cowboys. And the Texas Rangers. And the Dallas Stars. And the Dallas Mavericks. And the San Antonio Spurs.

I’m certain Houston (whose names Astros, Rockets, and Oilers are all quite top) could have done better. The name isn’t awful, but it’s so underwhelming that it just falls flat. Add a rather blah red, white, and blue cow that looks like it could be the front view of a Buffalo Bill (more of that later), and you get a franchise deserving of its constant mediocre finishes.

New York Islanders
While I hate to pick on my favorite hockey team, it needs to be done. Based out of Long Island, also known as Northeast Jew Heaven, the New York Islanders had an astonishing four straight Stanley Cups after existing as a franchise for under a decade. Don’t think that’s impressive? Imagine the Tampa Bay Rays winning 4 straight from 2006-2009. However, when you consider their name, they almost don’t deserve it.

Suffering from Houston Texan syndrome (the Phillies get a pass for their history), they’ve gone and named a team after its location. While it’s not that awful, the imagery it invokes diminishes any value to the team name. I say New York, what do you think? Skyscrapers? Taxis? Pizza? Subways? If we did a word association Family Feud style, I’d bet about 100+ words would come up before Islander ever did. This isn’t as bad as say the Los Angeles (ain’t got no) Lakers (who also get a pass for their long history and the humor in their name), but if you’re going to try the word association game, wouldn’t the Florida Keys, Hawaii Islanders, Boston Harborers make a lot more sense?

Toronto Raptors
One of the worst things you can say about any creation is “It’s very dated.” Say it about an old movie, no one wants to watch it. Say it about a book, it’s not taken seriously. Say it about music, and it gets relegated to the oldies station. Guess what? The Toronto Raptors might be the most dated name in sports. Founded in 1995, right during the Dinosaur-fever brought about by Jurassic Park and its terrible thunder lizards, the Toronto Raptors took a great city and stuck it with a poor name and cartoonish logo that made things even worse.

Dating aside, the name is bland, unimaginative, and seemingly silly when surrounded by a league that for the most part has some great names. To make matters worse, the owners passed on naming the franchise the Toronto Saurus Rex, which would have been an instant so-bad-its-good classic.

New Jersey Nets
The New Jersey Nets, the New York Knicks slower kid brother. I almost like this name: A net is part of a basketball game, it’s somewhat catchy, and it went along with many of the other ABA team names that tried to be abstract. The main problem is, the more you think about it, the stupider it gets.

The New Jersey Nets. Why nets? I understand they’d never live down the name the “New Jersey Balls” (though think of the great “Celtics Whip Balls in Physical Thriller” headlines) and the New Jersey Hoops sounds somewhat silly. The net, however, is a superfluous part of the game. It makes a nice swooshing sound and gives a more definitive answer to those upper-deck nosebleed fans asking themselves “Did they make the basket?” Still, take away the net and the game of basketball is still basketball.

Not a good enough argument? Okay, let’s plug this formula into other sports and see how you feel. “Hey buddy, you ready for the game?” “Hell yeah, I’ve got my yellow face paint on. Can’t wait to see the Oklahoma Foul Poles take down the Missouri Mounds!” “Hey, I have an extra Greensboro Goalie Crease ticket tonight, you game?” “In shocking news today, Terrell Owens was traded for cash considerations to the Ellis Island End Zones.” See my point?

Carolina Hurricanes
All of you former Whaler fans can breathe a sigh of relief, I’ve made sure that Peter Karmanos’ franchise made this much maligned list. No, you denizens of Hartford, I’m not downgrading the Hurricanes for not keeping the name of the Whale and the Brass Bonanza theme song when they moved. What bothers me is the name itself, the hurricanes.

I don’t care about political correctness any more than I care about satisfying the personal feelings of the masses of precious snowflakes in the country. The name Hurricanes, however, seems a touch insensitive. As I’ve said previously, fierce animals make good team names. Historical references make good team names. Unique and clever puns make good team names. Local traditions make good team names. I’m sure the latter was what Peter Karmanos was thinking when he moved the team: “Carolina has a lot of hurricanes, it’s a nice fierce storm! We’ll blow through teams on the way to a Stanley Cup!” That’s great, Pete.

Here’s the problem Petey-boy: what good comes from a Hurricane? Next to floods (many of which are caused by hurricanes), hurricanes do more damage in America than any other natural disaster. Katrina, Andrew, Hugo; all of these names bring with them thoughts of disaster and countless destruction. It’s not like there’s much upside to a hurricane the way there is to the Indian monsoons, which bring much needed moisture to the hundreds of millions of people living in the otherwise arid Deccan plateau.

Sure, there are minor league teams named after Earthquakes, Tornadoes, and even an NBA team named after Thunder, but when you think about it, we might as well rename the New York Knicks the New York Muslim Extremist Pilots. Go MEPS! Okay, perhaps that’s a touch indelicate. Maybe it’s acceptable because a hurricane is a natural phenomenon and not man-made. Okay, my bad, new example. Hmmm, natural and occurs in frequently in a region? Well, I guess I’m going to start cheering for the Oakland AIDS.

Buffalo Bills
The Buffalo Bills have a unique spot in the world of professional sports, being the only franchise named after a man; “Buffalo” Bill Cody, the famed wild-west gun slinger, showman, and entrepreneur. In some ways this is exceptionally creative incorporation of history, a town’s name, and a clever pun. And for many of the same reasons that I would consider the Bills on a list of the Top 10 sports franchise names, it also belongs on the bottom. Let’s take a look at the facts.

Buffalo Bill toured for decades as part of a Wild West show and was a cowboy folk-hero come to life who awed hundreds of thousands of admirers. It makes for great imagery. There are a few slight problems with naming the western-most New York NFL franchise after this man, despite the witty pun. Buffalo Bill was not born in Buffalo, nor did he ever live in Buffalo. Buffalo is not in the West. It’s not even in the Mid-West. Geographically speaking, it would be like naming a future Nebraska NBA franchise after the Statue of Liberty, a bowl of Gumbo, or some Palm Trees.

All of this could have been forgiven, however, if not for the completely lazy logo; a charging Buffalo. I understand it might be tough to draw a Bill (What is a Bill anyway? Perhaps an Amendment-to-Be?), but why not get rid of the Great Blue Buffalo and draw a mean cowboy? The fact that so much could have been done with this name, and that it failed in the way it has is completely inexcusable and as a result gets planted firmly in the number one spot of worst franchise names.