The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports

The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports

The New York Yankees. The Boston Celtics. The Detroit Redwings. The Dallas Cowboys. Notice how the historic franchises all have great team names? Even some of those old teams who just can’t get a winning break (Detroit Lions, Pittsburgh Pirates, Toronto Maple Leafs) can take some pride in knowing their names are synonymous with having some great names and great logos. Records aside, there will never be shame in wearing a Chicago Blackhawks shirt.

Then there’s those teams whose gear you just don’t want to be caught dead in. Here’s a look at some of those team names that just fail at inspiring fan pride or just flat out fail on a multitude of levels.

Calgary Flames
The NHL’s Calgary Flames suffer from displaced team syndrome, which we will see again. Originally the Atlanta Flames, the team was commemorates the burning of Atlanta by General Sherman in the Civil War. This may seem a little morbid considering the casualties suffered by the South during Sherman’s infamous march to see, but it’s a pretty solid name with great historical basis (which tends to make for great sports franchise naming). However, for either marketing reasons or sheer laziness, the franchise failed to rename themselves after their 1980 move to Calgary, simply changing their logo from a flaming A to a flaming C.

Team owner Nelson Skalbania insisted the name would fit well into an “oil town” such as Calgary, taking a page from the Edmonton Oilers (which Skalbania also once owned), but in doing so, he managed to ignore the imagery most associated with Calgary and most of the entire province of Alberta; the image of the cowboy. Even if they chose not to take the name of the failed WHA franchise, the cowboys, nor intrude on the CFL’s Calgary Roughriders, the Flames could have creatively honored the province’s traditions in a much more effective way.

Seattle Mariners
I like the Mariners current uniforms. I like their logo and its charming simplicity. I like their current color scheme as well as their classic blue and yellow coloring. Why am I including it on this list of teams with shabby names? What’s the largest trading port in America? Los Angeles? Next largest? Long Beach, CA. Next after that? New York. Next? Oakland? See my point. What’s the largest in Washington? Tacoma.
Yes, Seattle is on the sea. Yes, it’s a large port and home to plenty of ships. However, it’s not the biggest sea city on the West Coast. It’s not even the biggest in its own state! Go ask people on the street big port cities on the west. You’ll hear LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Portland, and probably a few others before Seattle comes to mind. And yet we throw the most nautical name we can think of on a franchise more known for its aeronautical development than it’s famous sailors (What, didn’t you know Jason and his Argonauts and Sinbad all grew up in Seattle? Yeah, they lived down the pier from Odysseus). It could be worse. It’s not like they’re the Seattle Corn Huskers or Seattle Washingtons, but it still makes the list for its failure to invoke an appropriate image for the city. Other teams will suffer from this, as we’ll see, and its aforementioned logo and color scheme save it from abject failure, but its general poopiness needs to be mentioned.

Utah Jazz
Like the Calgary Flames, here’s a franchise that suffers from lazy name syndrome. Once the New Orleans Jazz, the move of the franchise to the most conservative state of the union with more laws banning sex, alcohol, drugs, and loud concert venues that most other states to combined provides us with a ridiculous team names. The New Orleans Jazz is a great team name. You think jazz, you think N’awlns. You think N’awlns, you think jazz. You think Utah, you think mountains, Mormons, and not much else. Utah is about as jazzy as Maine is a hip hop center. Milwaukee Calypso anyone? Honolulu Rockers?

Columbus Blue Jackets
Named for Ohio’s “extensive Civil War history,” the Blue Jackets’ team name fails not for the idea, but for its poor implementation. The image of a blue-jacketed soldier charging into battle with gun in hand (or hockey stick) easily could have been one of the coolest logos going. If only the JMAC Hockey group who own the team had thought of this.

Instead of what could have been a great logo with a brave Union soldier on skates in a style similar to the UMass Minuteman or West Virginia Mountaineer, we get a mishmash of bad patriotic imagery. The Blue Jackets were represented for nearly a decade by a cartoonish blue bumblebee surrounded by various stars and stripes. Somewhere between a hornet, a yellow jacket, and a wasp (the non-martini kind), the patriotic bumble bee team ignored all Civil War references until a Civil War shoulder-patch was added in 2005. By then, it was too late, and NHL fans are stuck with a

Houston Texans
I love Lamar Hunt. His founding of the AFL to directly rival the NFL was a move of unprecedented ballsiness (yes, that’s a new word). His operation of the Kansas City Chiefs was admired by every other owner in the league. What most people don’t know, however, is that the Kansas City Chiefs were once the Dallas Texans. A lazy name, but their logo was every bit as lazy, and in its own way, quite clever: The state of Texas with a small star marking Dallas. Simple, cool, with a nice retro 1960’s feel.

Let’s flash forward 40+ years later. The city of Houston gets a franchise again. Having lost one of the best names in sports (the Oilers), they choose to honor their great state and indirectly, the former AFL franchise and go with the Houston Texans as their name. The first time, it was cool. A second time, it seems lazy, and not in the cool simplistic way.
I understand that a Texan has his own image of a tough and rugged western-type guy who could suck the venom out of a rattlesnake and spit it at you to kill you. That’s cool; that’s why we have the Dallas Cowboys. And the Texas Rangers. And the Dallas Stars. And the Dallas Mavericks. And the San Antonio Spurs.

I’m certain Houston (whose names Astros, Rockets, and Oilers are all quite top) could have done better. The name isn’t awful, but it’s so underwhelming that it just falls flat. Add a rather blah red, white, and blue cow that looks like it could be the front view of a Buffalo Bill (more of that later), and you get a franchise deserving of its constant mediocre finishes.

New York Islanders
While I hate to pick on my favorite hockey team, it needs to be done. Based out of Long Island, also known as Northeast Jew Heaven, the New York Islanders had an astonishing four straight Stanley Cups after existing as a franchise for under a decade. Don’t think that’s impressive? Imagine the Tampa Bay Rays winning 4 straight from 2006-2009. However, when you consider their name, they almost don’t deserve it.

Suffering from Houston Texan syndrome (the Phillies get a pass for their history), they’ve gone and named a team after its location. While it’s not that awful, the imagery it invokes diminishes any value to the team name. I say New York, what do you think? Skyscrapers? Taxis? Pizza? Subways? If we did a word association Family Feud style, I’d bet about 100+ words would come up before Islander ever did. This isn’t as bad as say the Los Angeles (ain’t got no) Lakers (who also get a pass for their long history and the humor in their name), but if you’re going to try the word association game, wouldn’t the Florida Keys, Hawaii Islanders, Boston Harborers make a lot more sense?

Toronto Raptors
One of the worst things you can say about any creation is “It’s very dated.” Say it about an old movie, no one wants to watch it. Say it about a book, it’s not taken seriously. Say it about music, and it gets relegated to the oldies station. Guess what? The Toronto Raptors might be the most dated name in sports. Founded in 1995, right during the Dinosaur-fever brought about by Jurassic Park and its terrible thunder lizards, the Toronto Raptors took a great city and stuck it with a poor name and cartoonish logo that made things even worse.

Dating aside, the name is bland, unimaginative, and seemingly silly when surrounded by a league that for the most part has some great names. To make matters worse, the owners passed on naming the franchise the Toronto Saurus Rex, which would have been an instant so-bad-its-good classic.

New Jersey Nets
The New Jersey Nets, the New York Knicks slower kid brother. I almost like this name: A net is part of a basketball game, it’s somewhat catchy, and it went along with many of the other ABA team names that tried to be abstract. The main problem is, the more you think about it, the stupider it gets.

The New Jersey Nets. Why nets? I understand they’d never live down the name the “New Jersey Balls” (though think of the great “Celtics Whip Balls in Physical Thriller” headlines) and the New Jersey Hoops sounds somewhat silly. The net, however, is a superfluous part of the game. It makes a nice swooshing sound and gives a more definitive answer to those upper-deck nosebleed fans asking themselves “Did they make the basket?” Still, take away the net and the game of basketball is still basketball.

Not a good enough argument? Okay, let’s plug this formula into other sports and see how you feel. “Hey buddy, you ready for the game?” “Hell yeah, I’ve got my yellow face paint on. Can’t wait to see the Oklahoma Foul Poles take down the Missouri Mounds!” “Hey, I have an extra Greensboro Goalie Crease ticket tonight, you game?” “In shocking news today, Terrell Owens was traded for cash considerations to the Ellis Island End Zones.” See my point?

Carolina Hurricanes
All of you former Whaler fans can breathe a sigh of relief, I’ve made sure that Peter Karmanos’ franchise made this much maligned list. No, you denizens of Hartford, I’m not downgrading the Hurricanes for not keeping the name of the Whale and the Brass Bonanza theme song when they moved. What bothers me is the name itself, the hurricanes.

I don’t care about political correctness any more than I care about satisfying the personal feelings of the masses of precious snowflakes in the country. The name Hurricanes, however, seems a touch insensitive. As I’ve said previously, fierce animals make good team names. Historical references make good team names. Unique and clever puns make good team names. Local traditions make good team names. I’m sure the latter was what Peter Karmanos was thinking when he moved the team: “Carolina has a lot of hurricanes, it’s a nice fierce storm! We’ll blow through teams on the way to a Stanley Cup!” That’s great, Pete.

Here’s the problem Petey-boy: what good comes from a Hurricane? Next to floods (many of which are caused by hurricanes), hurricanes do more damage in America than any other natural disaster. Katrina, Andrew, Hugo; all of these names bring with them thoughts of disaster and countless destruction. It’s not like there’s much upside to a hurricane the way there is to the Indian monsoons, which bring much needed moisture to the hundreds of millions of people living in the otherwise arid Deccan plateau.

Sure, there are minor league teams named after Earthquakes, Tornadoes, and even an NBA team named after Thunder, but when you think about it, we might as well rename the New York Knicks the New York Muslim Extremist Pilots. Go MEPS! Okay, perhaps that’s a touch indelicate. Maybe it’s acceptable because a hurricane is a natural phenomenon and not man-made. Okay, my bad, new example. Hmmm, natural and occurs in frequently in a region? Well, I guess I’m going to start cheering for the Oakland AIDS.

Buffalo Bills
The Buffalo Bills have a unique spot in the world of professional sports, being the only franchise named after a man; “Buffalo” Bill Cody, the famed wild-west gun slinger, showman, and entrepreneur. In some ways this is exceptionally creative incorporation of history, a town’s name, and a clever pun. And for many of the same reasons that I would consider the Bills on a list of the Top 10 sports franchise names, it also belongs on the bottom. Let’s take a look at the facts.

Buffalo Bill toured for decades as part of a Wild West show and was a cowboy folk-hero come to life who awed hundreds of thousands of admirers. It makes for great imagery. There are a few slight problems with naming the western-most New York NFL franchise after this man, despite the witty pun. Buffalo Bill was not born in Buffalo, nor did he ever live in Buffalo. Buffalo is not in the West. It’s not even in the Mid-West. Geographically speaking, it would be like naming a future Nebraska NBA franchise after the Statue of Liberty, a bowl of Gumbo, or some Palm Trees.

All of this could have been forgiven, however, if not for the completely lazy logo; a charging Buffalo. I understand it might be tough to draw a Bill (What is a Bill anyway? Perhaps an Amendment-to-Be?), but why not get rid of the Great Blue Buffalo and draw a mean cowboy? The fact that so much could have been done with this name, and that it failed in the way it has is completely inexcusable and as a result gets planted firmly in the number one spot of worst franchise names.