Author vs. Four-Year-Old

Every great man, every great following, and every great idea have had their shares of rivals, to which their greatness can be compared: Cesar had Mark; Antony Jesus had Satan; Judaism had Islam; Catholicism had Logic. Today the author looks to define his greatness in a face to face comparison of one of the greatest threats to his supremacy: A Four-Year-Old Boy.

Today, the blog will take a side by side look at the achievements of the author and his rival, judging their respective pre-eminence in a variety of areas.

Matchup 1: Artistic Expression.

Subject: Rabbit
Artifact 1: Burberry, as drawn by the four-year-old. Media: Marker, Paper

Note the rudimentary lines, monochromatic color scheme, and lack of significant detail. While the ears are properly proportioned to the eyes, no rabbit has a nose like that, and the whiskers are clearly too thick. Lastly, everyone knows, of course, that rabbits cannot smile like that, especially without the presence of carrots and alfalfa!

Artifact 2: Burberry, as drawn by Author. Media: Oil Pastels, Paper

In contrast, notice the author’s attention to detail, the soft texture of the fur the lifelike eyes, and the soft blending of colors.

Winner: Author (1-0)

Matchup 2: Lego Building

Subject: Lego Airplanes

Artifact 3: Plane as created by four-year-old

Looking at the four-year-old’s plane, it is difficult to distinguish any real shape. Lacking wings, a fuselage, and tail, this clearly would not take flight. While the effort of placing a propeller on the hastily built craft is noted, who in the name of Mr. Peanut puts a fucking propeller on the back of a non-flying plane?!

Artifact 4: Plane, as created by Author.

Examining the Author's construct, one clearly sees a fuselage, aerodynamic nosecones, wings, and a functioning rudder. Not only would this aircraft fly, its blue missiles present a clear threat to enemy Legos, Tycos, and MegaBlocks the entire world over. F****N MISSLES! HOW BADASS IS THAT?! Quite obviously, this is an example of aerospace mastery of the most epic proportions.

Winner: Author (2-0)

Matchup 3: Care for Animals

Subject: Fluff and Sunshine, 4-week-Old Kittens.

Artifact 5: Photograph of four-year-old with Fluff the Kitten.

Notice immediately that despite the subject’s moustache, top hat, and evil bandit mask, the kitten clearly is uninterested in being held. Also note the awkward manner of holding the young feline, potentially placing the animal at risk.

Artifact 6: Photograph of kittens Fluff and Sunshine on chest of Author.

Looking at the crooked and stained smile of Author, as well as the playful demeanor of the subject felines upon Author’s chest, one can see the relaxed atmosphere in the kitten’s domicile. Propped gently upon the ever-expanding stomach of the esteemed author, the kittens are carefree and so comfortable that they are willing to urinate on author without command (photo not shown). Clearly, Author’s ability to relate to animals is as masterful as his dexterity with Lego bricks.

Winner: Author (3-0)

Matchup 4: Creative Writing

Subject: Personal Statements from respective opponents

Artifact 7: Personal statement of four-year-old.

[None. Four-year-old’s cannot write clearly, type, nor express their thoughts in a coherent enough manner to take part in contest. When asked to give an oral reply, four-year-old commented “Kitties peed on Bryan. Sunshine is in box. Dora is on TV now.”]

Artifact 8: Personal statement by Author.

“F**K YEAH! CAN’T DO S**T, LITTLE TYKE. GO WATCH DORA, P***Y!”

Winner: Author (4-0)

Results: Author 4, Toddler 0

The winner is clear. The author has successfully claimed supremacy over his opponent, like gravity over D.B. Cooper. Tune in next week for Week 2, when our Author challenges an 11-year old-paraplegic and her helper goat.

*Lets remember, this is satire, folks.