Monday, September 28, 2009
Life as Art: The Graph
So while reflecting on my life (I do a lot of that these days), I had this interesting idea for an abstract art project. Graph out, on some sort of 3-dimensional medium, (I’m thinking dowels, string, or something similar) the high and low points of one’s life. The X-Axis would represent time, the Y-Axis the level of happiness of the memory. The Z-Axis would be filled with a variety of materials, graphing things like financial security, memories of world events, love interests, etc. In theory, every person would show a very different graph, but I’d guess that certain parts would coincide. However, it would be as much about the expression of one’s life in an artistic graph than it would be about a true psychological or sociological study. Stay tuned, I might work on this.
Monday, September 21, 2009
New York City Craft Beer Week
Quality Beer Weekend
I spent the past weekend in New York City, and while I could take pages describing the museums, the copious amount of food, the amazing fashion, or y time with friends, I really just want to get out some advertising for some incredible bars and brewers.
Sepember 11th-20th marks Craft Beer Week in NYC, with hundreds of different craft brews being sold at 82 bars across the city in 4 boroughs. Some of the top beer bars in the city, including House of Brews on West 51st street and Blind Tiger down in the Greenwich Villiage area (home to the best grilled cheese I have ever tasted).
The highlight of the experience, however, was Rattle 'N' Hum Bar http://www.rattlenhumbarnyc.com/ on East 33rd Street in Manhattan. Hosting "Brewers Nights" for 9 straight nights, I was fortunate enough to be there both Friday and Saturday before I left, getting to meet the brewmasters from Ommegang, Allagash, and Ithica breweries.
Before I heap praise onto one of those breweries specifically, I must comment on the bar itself: A dark place, with a long old-fashioned bar with about 30 taps on the back wall. Crowded, with just a few tables, the remarkable part of the bar was its huge selection of cask beers. Uncarbonated, stored and aged at room temperature, and poured only through gravity, cask beers tend to come few and far between at most bars. A good beer bar will have 3 or 4 cask selections. Due to beer week, however, there were close to 30 casks, ranging from belgian pale ales, sour beers, to a remarkable Stone Smoked Porter with Vanilla.
After arriving on Friday with Madison and sampling some of the casks (as well as the Obammegang brew from Ommegang), my excitement turned to the arrival of the brewers. Hearing me ask about their whereabouts to a waitress, Patrick, slightly-brogued owner of the bar, introduced himself and asked me to follow him. I was quickly whisked away and introduced to Rob Todd, brewmaster of Allagash Brewing Company http://www.allagash.com/ in Maine. The ensuing conversation consisted mostly of his experiences with BeerSchool.com, the value of preserving recipe secrets, and the potential for a Flanders Red Ale or other sour beer in the collection.
Immediately after, we were joined by a giant of a man, who turned out to be Phil Leinhart, Brewmaster of Ommegang Brewery http://www.ommegang.com/. While not the creater of Ommegang, he has put out wonderful beers since fully taking over production in 2008. Also polite, he briefly got in on the Red Ale discussion. I bid them both farewell and returned to the patiently-waiting Madison. It as truly an excellent experience.
The highlight of the beer experience, however, was the following day. With my friend Leentje in tow, I ventured back to Rattle 'N' Hum for a second day of beers before I departed to New York City. Recognizing me from the prior night, Patrick directed me over to Eric VanZile, sales rep of Ithaca Beer Company http://www.ithacabeer.com/, who then proceeded to say hello and bring me over to Jeff O'Neil, executive brewer for Ithica. Immediately friendly and welcoming, they told me about Ithaca distribution in Connecticut and Massachusetts, and their desire to expand. Eventually, we delved into a talk about his Cascazilla Red Ale, a hop-monster with some of the most unusual characteristics you'll find in an East Coast beer.
Taking a stance about cloning beers directly opposite to that of Rob Todd, Jeff happily explained the recipe to Cascazilla and encouraged me to email him for a detailed breakdown of the ingredient ratios and mash times (I gotta get on that) for his recipe. While I'm grateful to have met Rob and Phil, I especially impressed with the passion that Jeff and Eric had for their beer. Beyond a friendliness that is necessary for good product marketing, there was an unwavering enthusiasm in both of them that seemed so genuine and real. After a few more minutes talking about growing hops, I let them be, but in the fifteen or so minutes they spoke to Leentje and I, they gained a customer for life and a recommendation to try their beers at the earliest available opportunity.
Once again, thank you Jeff and Eric.
I spent the past weekend in New York City, and while I could take pages describing the museums, the copious amount of food, the amazing fashion, or y time with friends, I really just want to get out some advertising for some incredible bars and brewers.
Sepember 11th-20th marks Craft Beer Week in NYC, with hundreds of different craft brews being sold at 82 bars across the city in 4 boroughs. Some of the top beer bars in the city, including House of Brews on West 51st street and Blind Tiger down in the Greenwich Villiage area (home to the best grilled cheese I have ever tasted).
The highlight of the experience, however, was Rattle 'N' Hum Bar http://www.rattlenhumbarnyc.com/ on East 33rd Street in Manhattan. Hosting "Brewers Nights" for 9 straight nights, I was fortunate enough to be there both Friday and Saturday before I left, getting to meet the brewmasters from Ommegang, Allagash, and Ithica breweries.
Before I heap praise onto one of those breweries specifically, I must comment on the bar itself: A dark place, with a long old-fashioned bar with about 30 taps on the back wall. Crowded, with just a few tables, the remarkable part of the bar was its huge selection of cask beers. Uncarbonated, stored and aged at room temperature, and poured only through gravity, cask beers tend to come few and far between at most bars. A good beer bar will have 3 or 4 cask selections. Due to beer week, however, there were close to 30 casks, ranging from belgian pale ales, sour beers, to a remarkable Stone Smoked Porter with Vanilla.
After arriving on Friday with Madison and sampling some of the casks (as well as the Obammegang brew from Ommegang), my excitement turned to the arrival of the brewers. Hearing me ask about their whereabouts to a waitress, Patrick, slightly-brogued owner of the bar, introduced himself and asked me to follow him. I was quickly whisked away and introduced to Rob Todd, brewmaster of Allagash Brewing Company http://www.allagash.com/ in Maine. The ensuing conversation consisted mostly of his experiences with BeerSchool.com, the value of preserving recipe secrets, and the potential for a Flanders Red Ale or other sour beer in the collection.
Immediately after, we were joined by a giant of a man, who turned out to be Phil Leinhart, Brewmaster of Ommegang Brewery http://www.ommegang.com/. While not the creater of Ommegang, he has put out wonderful beers since fully taking over production in 2008. Also polite, he briefly got in on the Red Ale discussion. I bid them both farewell and returned to the patiently-waiting Madison. It as truly an excellent experience.
The highlight of the beer experience, however, was the following day. With my friend Leentje in tow, I ventured back to Rattle 'N' Hum for a second day of beers before I departed to New York City. Recognizing me from the prior night, Patrick directed me over to Eric VanZile, sales rep of Ithaca Beer Company http://www.ithacabeer.com/, who then proceeded to say hello and bring me over to Jeff O'Neil, executive brewer for Ithica. Immediately friendly and welcoming, they told me about Ithaca distribution in Connecticut and Massachusetts, and their desire to expand. Eventually, we delved into a talk about his Cascazilla Red Ale, a hop-monster with some of the most unusual characteristics you'll find in an East Coast beer.
(Some of Ithica's brews, including Cascazilla, the Red Ale with IPA bite)
Taking a stance about cloning beers directly opposite to that of Rob Todd, Jeff happily explained the recipe to Cascazilla and encouraged me to email him for a detailed breakdown of the ingredient ratios and mash times (I gotta get on that) for his recipe. While I'm grateful to have met Rob and Phil, I especially impressed with the passion that Jeff and Eric had for their beer. Beyond a friendliness that is necessary for good product marketing, there was an unwavering enthusiasm in both of them that seemed so genuine and real. After a few more minutes talking about growing hops, I let them be, but in the fifteen or so minutes they spoke to Leentje and I, they gained a customer for life and a recommendation to try their beers at the earliest available opportunity.
Once again, thank you Jeff and Eric.
A list of beers sampled this weekend:
Radeberger Pilsner (Draft)
Thomas Hardy's Ale 2008 (Vintage Bottle)
Ommegang Cave Aged Abbey Ale 2007 (Cask)
Stone Smoked Porter with Vanilla Beans (Cask)
Ommegang (AKA Obammegang) Election Ale 2008 (Draft)
Ommegang (AKA Obammegang) Election Ale 2008 (Draft)
Allagash Four Quadruple (Draft)
Brooklyn Sirhachi Ale (Draft)
Brooklyn Blast! (Draft)
Elysian Dragonstooth Stout (Draft)
Elysian Elysian Trip II Golden Ale (Draft)
Jolly Pumpkin Weisen Bam (Cask)
Ommegang Hennepin Saison (Draft)
Ommegang Hennepin Saison (Draft)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Worth Its Salt
Just a quick writeup today, but I beg you to consider this question: What do you think is the most widely used grocery product in America? I don't have an answer for this, but if I could go door to door and look in every one's pantries, cupboards, refrigerators, freezers, or anywhere else food might be stored, I'd be willing to bet that one particular product is found in more homes than almost any other. I don't think it's Coca-Cola, Heinz Ketchup, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, or even the timeless American classic, Wonder Bread. No, I believe it's this:
Morton Salt.
What? Salt?
Before about 150 years ago, to be "worth one's salt" meant that person was exceptionally valuable, just like salt, because of its extreme rarity. However with the discovery of processes to get salt from the earth, the price of salt dropped to where it is now one of the cheapest commodities in the world. Salt is now so cheap, in fact, that you rarely find that grocery stores and chains like Wal-Mart and Target even bother to produce generic versions. Even baking soda, flour, or sugar can claim that mark.
With this in mind, picture a container of salt. What does it look like? Probably the one above. Even as someone with experience in cooking, I had a difficult time thinking of more than 2 more brands of salt. Even my spendthrift former roomate who would almost never buy name brand anything had a container of Morton Salt in our cupboard before any of the other roomates moved in. It might have been the only name brand in the entire house (Even the ever-American Heinz Ketchup was not to be found).
Still not convinced? Think about this: Most people drink soda, but some prefer Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper, or even Tab if you're into that stuff. There are those people who don't drink it at all. Ketchup? Sure, every kid in America likes it, but there are those dirty rat bastards (oh hell, even this house), that will go with Hunts instead of Heinz, for reasons beyond me. Baking soda? Eh, generic brands are 1/2 the price. French's yellow mustard; not for those who prefer brown mustard! See what I'm saying? Even those companies with huge market shares have competition. Even in a house with a low-sodium diet such as mine has 3 different types of Morton Salt on hand.
What's the point of this post? Not much, really. Obviously Morton doesn't have the advertising power that Coke, Budweiser, Heinz, or any of the other big time brands does, but I challenge anyone to go to the grocery store and see what brands of salt are out there and I dare anyone to come back without telling me they saw a vast majority of the salt was Morton. Don't wanna take a trip to the store? Okay, go look now, I'd bet 90% of you will come back having seen that girl in the rain suit and umbrella.
Did you look? I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Okay, I've waited long enough? Am I right? Thought so.
What's my point? I'm not sure, but to think about this: Morton Salt is as pervasive in the average American household as the moustached man of Orwell's 1984 reality. It really is a remarkable feat, in days of mass marketing, people buying glamorous brands, and nearly unlimited consumer protection. Perhaps Mr. Morton really is worth his own weight. But of course, you'll have to take this whole post with a grain of salt.
Morton Salt.
What? Salt?
Before about 150 years ago, to be "worth one's salt" meant that person was exceptionally valuable, just like salt, because of its extreme rarity. However with the discovery of processes to get salt from the earth, the price of salt dropped to where it is now one of the cheapest commodities in the world. Salt is now so cheap, in fact, that you rarely find that grocery stores and chains like Wal-Mart and Target even bother to produce generic versions. Even baking soda, flour, or sugar can claim that mark.
With this in mind, picture a container of salt. What does it look like? Probably the one above. Even as someone with experience in cooking, I had a difficult time thinking of more than 2 more brands of salt. Even my spendthrift former roomate who would almost never buy name brand anything had a container of Morton Salt in our cupboard before any of the other roomates moved in. It might have been the only name brand in the entire house (Even the ever-American Heinz Ketchup was not to be found).
Still not convinced? Think about this: Most people drink soda, but some prefer Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper, or even Tab if you're into that stuff. There are those people who don't drink it at all. Ketchup? Sure, every kid in America likes it, but there are those dirty rat bastards (oh hell, even this house), that will go with Hunts instead of Heinz, for reasons beyond me. Baking soda? Eh, generic brands are 1/2 the price. French's yellow mustard; not for those who prefer brown mustard! See what I'm saying? Even those companies with huge market shares have competition. Even in a house with a low-sodium diet such as mine has 3 different types of Morton Salt on hand.
What's the point of this post? Not much, really. Obviously Morton doesn't have the advertising power that Coke, Budweiser, Heinz, or any of the other big time brands does, but I challenge anyone to go to the grocery store and see what brands of salt are out there and I dare anyone to come back without telling me they saw a vast majority of the salt was Morton. Don't wanna take a trip to the store? Okay, go look now, I'd bet 90% of you will come back having seen that girl in the rain suit and umbrella.
Did you look? I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Okay, I've waited long enough? Am I right? Thought so.
What's my point? I'm not sure, but to think about this: Morton Salt is as pervasive in the average American household as the moustached man of Orwell's 1984 reality. It really is a remarkable feat, in days of mass marketing, people buying glamorous brands, and nearly unlimited consumer protection. Perhaps Mr. Morton really is worth his own weight. But of course, you'll have to take this whole post with a grain of salt.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Author vs. Four-Year-Old
Every great man, every great following, and every great idea have had their shares of rivals, to which their greatness can be compared: Cesar had Mark; Antony Jesus had Satan; Judaism had Islam; Catholicism had Logic. Today the author looks to define his greatness in a face to face comparison of one of the greatest threats to his supremacy: A Four-Year-Old Boy.
Today, the blog will take a side by side look at the achievements of the author and his rival, judging their respective pre-eminence in a variety of areas.
Matchup 1: Artistic Expression.
Subject: Rabbit
Artifact 1: Burberry, as drawn by the four-year-old. Media: Marker, Paper
Examining the Author's construct, one clearly sees a fuselage, aerodynamic nosecones, wings, and a functioning rudder. Not only would this aircraft fly, its blue missiles present a clear threat to enemy Legos, Tycos, and MegaBlocks the entire world over. F****N MISSLES! HOW BADASS IS THAT?! Quite obviously, this is an example of aerospace mastery of the most epic proportions.
Winner: Author (2-0)
Matchup 3: Care for Animals
Subject: Fluff and Sunshine, 4-week-Old Kittens.
Artifact 5: Photograph of four-year-old with Fluff the Kitten.
Notice immediately that despite the subject’s moustache, top hat, and evil bandit mask, the kitten clearly is uninterested in being held. Also note the awkward manner of holding the young feline, potentially placing the animal at risk.
Artifact 6: Photograph of kittens Fluff and Sunshine on chest of Author.
Today, the blog will take a side by side look at the achievements of the author and his rival, judging their respective pre-eminence in a variety of areas.
Matchup 1: Artistic Expression.
Subject: Rabbit
Artifact 1: Burberry, as drawn by the four-year-old. Media: Marker, Paper
Note the rudimentary lines, monochromatic color scheme, and lack of significant detail. While the ears are properly proportioned to the eyes, no rabbit has a nose like that, and the whiskers are clearly too thick. Lastly, everyone knows, of course, that rabbits cannot smile like that, especially without the presence of carrots and alfalfa!
Artifact 2: Burberry, as drawn by Author. Media: Oil Pastels, Paper
Artifact 2: Burberry, as drawn by Author. Media: Oil Pastels, Paper
In contrast, notice the author’s attention to detail, the soft texture of the fur the lifelike eyes, and the soft blending of colors.
Winner: Author (1-0)
Matchup 2: Lego Building
Subject: Lego Airplanes
Artifact 3: Plane as created by four-year-old
Winner: Author (1-0)
Matchup 2: Lego Building
Subject: Lego Airplanes
Artifact 3: Plane as created by four-year-old
Looking at the four-year-old’s plane, it is difficult to distinguish any real shape. Lacking wings, a fuselage, and tail, this clearly would not take flight. While the effort of placing a propeller on the hastily built craft is noted, who in the name of Mr. Peanut puts a fucking propeller on the back of a non-flying plane?!
Artifact 4: Plane, as created by Author.
Artifact 4: Plane, as created by Author.
Examining the Author's construct, one clearly sees a fuselage, aerodynamic nosecones, wings, and a functioning rudder. Not only would this aircraft fly, its blue missiles present a clear threat to enemy Legos, Tycos, and MegaBlocks the entire world over. F****N MISSLES! HOW BADASS IS THAT?! Quite obviously, this is an example of aerospace mastery of the most epic proportions.
Winner: Author (2-0)
Matchup 3: Care for Animals
Subject: Fluff and Sunshine, 4-week-Old Kittens.
Artifact 5: Photograph of four-year-old with Fluff the Kitten.
Notice immediately that despite the subject’s moustache, top hat, and evil bandit mask, the kitten clearly is uninterested in being held. Also note the awkward manner of holding the young feline, potentially placing the animal at risk.
Artifact 6: Photograph of kittens Fluff and Sunshine on chest of Author.
Looking at the crooked and stained smile of Author, as well as the playful demeanor of the subject felines upon Author’s chest, one can see the relaxed atmosphere in the kitten’s domicile. Propped gently upon the ever-expanding stomach of the esteemed author, the kittens are carefree and so comfortable that they are willing to urinate on author without command (photo not shown). Clearly, Author’s ability to relate to animals is as masterful as his dexterity with Lego bricks.
Winner: Author (3-0)
Matchup 4: Creative Writing
Subject: Personal Statements from respective opponents
Artifact 7: Personal statement of four-year-old.
[None. Four-year-old’s cannot write clearly, type, nor express their thoughts in a coherent enough manner to take part in contest. When asked to give an oral reply, four-year-old commented “Kitties peed on Bryan. Sunshine is in box. Dora is on TV now.”]
Artifact 8: Personal statement by Author.
“F**K YEAH! CAN’T DO S**T, LITTLE TYKE. GO WATCH DORA, P***Y!”
Winner: Author (4-0)
Results: Author 4, Toddler 0
The winner is clear. The author has successfully claimed supremacy over his opponent, like gravity over D.B. Cooper. Tune in next week for Week 2, when our Author challenges an 11-year old-paraplegic and her helper goat.
*Lets remember, this is satire, folks.
Winner: Author (3-0)
Matchup 4: Creative Writing
Subject: Personal Statements from respective opponents
Artifact 7: Personal statement of four-year-old.
[None. Four-year-old’s cannot write clearly, type, nor express their thoughts in a coherent enough manner to take part in contest. When asked to give an oral reply, four-year-old commented “Kitties peed on Bryan. Sunshine is in box. Dora is on TV now.”]
Artifact 8: Personal statement by Author.
“F**K YEAH! CAN’T DO S**T, LITTLE TYKE. GO WATCH DORA, P***Y!”
Winner: Author (4-0)
Results: Author 4, Toddler 0
The winner is clear. The author has successfully claimed supremacy over his opponent, like gravity over D.B. Cooper. Tune in next week for Week 2, when our Author challenges an 11-year old-paraplegic and her helper goat.
*Lets remember, this is satire, folks.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Hypothetical History: Asking those unanswerable questions
As long as there has been history there have been historians willing to analyze, often ad nauseum, any event worth documenting. Though valuable to the understanding of human nature, even the most detailed analyses of critical human events often fail to address some of the most intriguing questions in history; the hypotheticals.
For very obvious reasons, hypothetical and rhetorical questions cannot be addressed in any serious scholarly historical analysis. Moreover, even if they could, the answers would be little more than opinionated guess work, which is traditionally, though somewhat hypocritically, shunned by the history community. Asking hypothetical questions of history can be every bit as thought provoking (and perhaps even more entertaining) than simple analysis.
In hopes of stimulating such thoughts, as well as providing entertainment, we’ll be taking a look at a series of hypothetical and rhetorical questions. Some are serious, some are snarky, some are downright ludicrous.
What If’s: Some questions about things that did or did not happen.
What if Neanderthals had won out over Homo sapiens?
If John the Baptist wasn’t killed by Herod, would his following have overshadowed his cousin’s?
What if the Roman’s used a substance other than lead to make their pipes?
What if Constantine rejected Christianity on his deathbed?
What if the various Barbarian hordes focused their attention on the eastern empire instead of Rome?
If Islam hadn’t spread the way it did, how long would it have taken Europe to come out of the dark ages?
What if DaVinci had successfully created one of his flying machines? Would flight have been possible without combustion engines?
Could the French Revolution have been avoided if the French government hadn’t helped the colonies fund the American Revolution?
What would have become of the Cold War if the allies decided to drop a nuclear weapon on Berlin?
What if Brian Jones didn’t die, and later reunited with The Rolling Stones?
What would have happened to the music industry if Woodstock was a failure?
What if George Lucas decided to put out the Star Wars prequels in the 1980, right after Return of the Jedi? What if he created them in order?
Would the Steroid Era of baseball have been as prominent if the 1994 strike didn’t occur?
What would the careers of people like Jordan, Kobe, and LeBron have looked like without the constraints of the shot clock?
What would have happened if Flight 93 hit its target?
What if Al Gore was elected in 2000 or John Kerry was elected in 2004?
Almost Famous: A look at obscure people involved in not-so-obscure events.
After Barabbas was freed by the Romans instead of Jesus, did he go on to commit any other crimes?
Did the carpenter who created crosses for Jerusalem have any idea how important his job was?
Was the last guy to sign the Declaration of Independence mad that he had to be last?
How bad did the usher waiting on Lincoln’s booth feel after the assassination?
Did the first Jew killed under Hitler’s regime have any idea the tragedy that would ensue?
At what points did the fifth Beatle begin having regrets?
What was going through the head of the Clemson player hit by Woody Hayes? Did he have any idea at that moment that it would be the last act of Hayes’ illustrious career?
Who was the first person in one of the WTC towers to realize a plane was about to hit?
Assorted Irrelevance:
What was the cause of the first fistfight between men?
Who was the first adulterer?
Who invented beastiality? Why?
Who was the first person put to death for doubting Christianity? Islam?
What was the first pornographic image put on the internet?
Who would be more beloved if they were still alive? Biggie or Tupac?
Did anyone die from organ failure due to their transplant not arriving after the 9/11 plane groundings?
What kind of speech will the first man on Mars have to give to top Neil Armstrong’s “One small step…” speech?
At what point will mankind decide to completely abandon all fossil fuels? Is it even possible?
Will sports ever become irrelevant to modern culture?
Will it ever become cool on a pop culture level to be religious?
When will Facebook decline the way Myspace has?
For very obvious reasons, hypothetical and rhetorical questions cannot be addressed in any serious scholarly historical analysis. Moreover, even if they could, the answers would be little more than opinionated guess work, which is traditionally, though somewhat hypocritically, shunned by the history community. Asking hypothetical questions of history can be every bit as thought provoking (and perhaps even more entertaining) than simple analysis.
In hopes of stimulating such thoughts, as well as providing entertainment, we’ll be taking a look at a series of hypothetical and rhetorical questions. Some are serious, some are snarky, some are downright ludicrous.
What If’s: Some questions about things that did or did not happen.
What if Neanderthals had won out over Homo sapiens?
If John the Baptist wasn’t killed by Herod, would his following have overshadowed his cousin’s?
What if the Roman’s used a substance other than lead to make their pipes?
What if Constantine rejected Christianity on his deathbed?
What if the various Barbarian hordes focused their attention on the eastern empire instead of Rome?
If Islam hadn’t spread the way it did, how long would it have taken Europe to come out of the dark ages?
What if DaVinci had successfully created one of his flying machines? Would flight have been possible without combustion engines?
Could the French Revolution have been avoided if the French government hadn’t helped the colonies fund the American Revolution?
What would have become of the Cold War if the allies decided to drop a nuclear weapon on Berlin?
What if Brian Jones didn’t die, and later reunited with The Rolling Stones?
What would have happened to the music industry if Woodstock was a failure?
What if George Lucas decided to put out the Star Wars prequels in the 1980, right after Return of the Jedi? What if he created them in order?
Would the Steroid Era of baseball have been as prominent if the 1994 strike didn’t occur?
What would the careers of people like Jordan, Kobe, and LeBron have looked like without the constraints of the shot clock?
What would have happened if Flight 93 hit its target?
What if Al Gore was elected in 2000 or John Kerry was elected in 2004?
Almost Famous: A look at obscure people involved in not-so-obscure events.
After Barabbas was freed by the Romans instead of Jesus, did he go on to commit any other crimes?
Did the carpenter who created crosses for Jerusalem have any idea how important his job was?
Was the last guy to sign the Declaration of Independence mad that he had to be last?
How bad did the usher waiting on Lincoln’s booth feel after the assassination?
Did the first Jew killed under Hitler’s regime have any idea the tragedy that would ensue?
At what points did the fifth Beatle begin having regrets?
What was going through the head of the Clemson player hit by Woody Hayes? Did he have any idea at that moment that it would be the last act of Hayes’ illustrious career?
Who was the first person in one of the WTC towers to realize a plane was about to hit?
Assorted Irrelevance:
What was the cause of the first fistfight between men?
Who was the first adulterer?
Who invented beastiality? Why?
Who was the first person put to death for doubting Christianity? Islam?
What was the first pornographic image put on the internet?
Who would be more beloved if they were still alive? Biggie or Tupac?
Did anyone die from organ failure due to their transplant not arriving after the 9/11 plane groundings?
What kind of speech will the first man on Mars have to give to top Neil Armstrong’s “One small step…” speech?
At what point will mankind decide to completely abandon all fossil fuels? Is it even possible?
Will sports ever become irrelevant to modern culture?
Will it ever become cool on a pop culture level to be religious?
When will Facebook decline the way Myspace has?
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports
The Ten Worst Named Franchises in Professional Sports
The New York Yankees. The Boston Celtics. The Detroit Redwings. The Dallas Cowboys. Notice how the historic franchises all have great team names? Even some of those old teams who just can’t get a winning break (Detroit Lions, Pittsburgh Pirates, Toronto Maple Leafs) can take some pride in knowing their names are synonymous with having some great names and great logos. Records aside, there will never be shame in wearing a Chicago Blackhawks shirt.
Then there’s those teams whose gear you just don’t want to be caught dead in. Here’s a look at some of those team names that just fail at inspiring fan pride or just flat out fail on a multitude of levels.
Calgary Flames
The NHL’s Calgary Flames suffer from displaced team syndrome, which we will see again. Originally the Atlanta Flames, the team was commemorates the burning of Atlanta by General Sherman in the Civil War. This may seem a little morbid considering the casualties suffered by the South during Sherman’s infamous march to see, but it’s a pretty solid name with great historical basis (which tends to make for great sports franchise naming). However, for either marketing reasons or sheer laziness, the franchise failed to rename themselves after their 1980 move to Calgary, simply changing their logo from a flaming A to a flaming C.
Team owner Nelson Skalbania insisted the name would fit well into an “oil town” such as Calgary, taking a page from the Edmonton Oilers (which Skalbania also once owned), but in doing so, he managed to ignore the imagery most associated with Calgary and most of the entire province of Alberta; the image of the cowboy. Even if they chose not to take the name of the failed WHA franchise, the cowboys, nor intrude on the CFL’s Calgary Roughriders, the Flames could have creatively honored the province’s traditions in a much more effective way.
Seattle Mariners
I like the Mariners current uniforms. I like their logo and its charming simplicity. I like their current color scheme as well as their classic blue and yellow coloring. Why am I including it on this list of teams with shabby names? What’s the largest trading port in America? Los Angeles? Next largest? Long Beach, CA. Next after that? New York. Next? Oakland? See my point. What’s the largest in Washington? Tacoma.
Yes, Seattle is on the sea. Yes, it’s a large port and home to plenty of ships. However, it’s not the biggest sea city on the West Coast. It’s not even the biggest in its own state! Go ask people on the street big port cities on the west. You’ll hear LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Portland, and probably a few others before Seattle comes to mind. And yet we throw the most nautical name we can think of on a franchise more known for its aeronautical development than it’s famous sailors (What, didn’t you know Jason and his Argonauts and Sinbad all grew up in Seattle? Yeah, they lived down the pier from Odysseus). It could be worse. It’s not like they’re the Seattle Corn Huskers or Seattle Washingtons, but it still makes the list for its failure to invoke an appropriate image for the city. Other teams will suffer from this, as we’ll see, and its aforementioned logo and color scheme save it from abject failure, but its general poopiness needs to be mentioned.
Utah Jazz
Like the Calgary Flames, here’s a franchise that suffers from lazy name syndrome. Once the New Orleans Jazz, the move of the franchise to the most conservative state of the union with more laws banning sex, alcohol, drugs, and loud concert venues that most other states to combined provides us with a ridiculous team names. The New Orleans Jazz is a great team name. You think jazz, you think N’awlns. You think N’awlns, you think jazz. You think Utah, you think mountains, Mormons, and not much else. Utah is about as jazzy as Maine is a hip hop center. Milwaukee Calypso anyone? Honolulu Rockers?
Columbus Blue Jackets
Named for Ohio’s “extensive Civil War history,” the Blue Jackets’ team name fails not for the idea, but for its poor implementation. The image of a blue-jacketed soldier charging into battle with gun in hand (or hockey stick) easily could have been one of the coolest logos going. If only the JMAC Hockey group who own the team had thought of this.
Instead of what could have been a great logo with a brave Union soldier on skates in a style similar to the UMass Minuteman or West Virginia Mountaineer, we get a mishmash of bad patriotic imagery. The Blue Jackets were represented for nearly a decade by a cartoonish blue bumblebee surrounded by various stars and stripes. Somewhere between a hornet, a yellow jacket, and a wasp (the non-martini kind), the patriotic bumble bee team ignored all Civil War references until a Civil War shoulder-patch was added in 2005. By then, it was too late, and NHL fans are stuck with a
Houston Texans
I love Lamar Hunt. His founding of the AFL to directly rival the NFL was a move of unprecedented ballsiness (yes, that’s a new word). His operation of the Kansas City Chiefs was admired by every other owner in the league. What most people don’t know, however, is that the Kansas City Chiefs were once the Dallas Texans. A lazy name, but their logo was every bit as lazy, and in its own way, quite clever: The state of Texas with a small star marking Dallas. Simple, cool, with a nice retro 1960’s feel.
Let’s flash forward 40+ years later. The city of Houston gets a franchise again. Having lost one of the best names in sports (the Oilers), they choose to honor their great state and indirectly, the former AFL franchise and go with the Houston Texans as their name. The first time, it was cool. A second time, it seems lazy, and not in the cool simplistic way.
I understand that a Texan has his own image of a tough and rugged western-type guy who could suck the venom out of a rattlesnake and spit it at you to kill you. That’s cool; that’s why we have the Dallas Cowboys. And the Texas Rangers. And the Dallas Stars. And the Dallas Mavericks. And the San Antonio Spurs.
I’m certain Houston (whose names Astros, Rockets, and Oilers are all quite top) could have done better. The name isn’t awful, but it’s so underwhelming that it just falls flat. Add a rather blah red, white, and blue cow that looks like it could be the front view of a Buffalo Bill (more of that later), and you get a franchise deserving of its constant mediocre finishes.
New York Islanders
While I hate to pick on my favorite hockey team, it needs to be done. Based out of Long Island, also known as Northeast Jew Heaven, the New York Islanders had an astonishing four straight Stanley Cups after existing as a franchise for under a decade. Don’t think that’s impressive? Imagine the Tampa Bay Rays winning 4 straight from 2006-2009. However, when you consider their name, they almost don’t deserve it.
Suffering from Houston Texan syndrome (the Phillies get a pass for their history), they’ve gone and named a team after its location. While it’s not that awful, the imagery it invokes diminishes any value to the team name. I say New York, what do you think? Skyscrapers? Taxis? Pizza? Subways? If we did a word association Family Feud style, I’d bet about 100+ words would come up before Islander ever did. This isn’t as bad as say the Los Angeles (ain’t got no) Lakers (who also get a pass for their long history and the humor in their name), but if you’re going to try the word association game, wouldn’t the Florida Keys, Hawaii Islanders, Boston Harborers make a lot more sense?
Toronto Raptors
One of the worst things you can say about any creation is “It’s very dated.” Say it about an old movie, no one wants to watch it. Say it about a book, it’s not taken seriously. Say it about music, and it gets relegated to the oldies station. Guess what? The Toronto Raptors might be the most dated name in sports. Founded in 1995, right during the Dinosaur-fever brought about by Jurassic Park and its terrible thunder lizards, the Toronto Raptors took a great city and stuck it with a poor name and cartoonish logo that made things even worse.
Dating aside, the name is bland, unimaginative, and seemingly silly when surrounded by a league that for the most part has some great names. To make matters worse, the owners passed on naming the franchise the Toronto Saurus Rex, which would have been an instant so-bad-its-good classic.
New Jersey Nets
The New Jersey Nets, the New York Knicks slower kid brother. I almost like this name: A net is part of a basketball game, it’s somewhat catchy, and it went along with many of the other ABA team names that tried to be abstract. The main problem is, the more you think about it, the stupider it gets.
The New Jersey Nets. Why nets? I understand they’d never live down the name the “New Jersey Balls” (though think of the great “Celtics Whip Balls in Physical Thriller” headlines) and the New Jersey Hoops sounds somewhat silly. The net, however, is a superfluous part of the game. It makes a nice swooshing sound and gives a more definitive answer to those upper-deck nosebleed fans asking themselves “Did they make the basket?” Still, take away the net and the game of basketball is still basketball.
Not a good enough argument? Okay, let’s plug this formula into other sports and see how you feel. “Hey buddy, you ready for the game?” “Hell yeah, I’ve got my yellow face paint on. Can’t wait to see the Oklahoma Foul Poles take down the Missouri Mounds!” “Hey, I have an extra Greensboro Goalie Crease ticket tonight, you game?” “In shocking news today, Terrell Owens was traded for cash considerations to the Ellis Island End Zones.” See my point?
Carolina Hurricanes
All of you former Whaler fans can breathe a sigh of relief, I’ve made sure that Peter Karmanos’ franchise made this much maligned list. No, you denizens of Hartford, I’m not downgrading the Hurricanes for not keeping the name of the Whale and the Brass Bonanza theme song when they moved. What bothers me is the name itself, the hurricanes.
I don’t care about political correctness any more than I care about satisfying the personal feelings of the masses of precious snowflakes in the country. The name Hurricanes, however, seems a touch insensitive. As I’ve said previously, fierce animals make good team names. Historical references make good team names. Unique and clever puns make good team names. Local traditions make good team names. I’m sure the latter was what Peter Karmanos was thinking when he moved the team: “Carolina has a lot of hurricanes, it’s a nice fierce storm! We’ll blow through teams on the way to a Stanley Cup!” That’s great, Pete.
Here’s the problem Petey-boy: what good comes from a Hurricane? Next to floods (many of which are caused by hurricanes), hurricanes do more damage in America than any other natural disaster. Katrina, Andrew, Hugo; all of these names bring with them thoughts of disaster and countless destruction. It’s not like there’s much upside to a hurricane the way there is to the Indian monsoons, which bring much needed moisture to the hundreds of millions of people living in the otherwise arid Deccan plateau.
Sure, there are minor league teams named after Earthquakes, Tornadoes, and even an NBA team named after Thunder, but when you think about it, we might as well rename the New York Knicks the New York Muslim Extremist Pilots. Go MEPS! Okay, perhaps that’s a touch indelicate. Maybe it’s acceptable because a hurricane is a natural phenomenon and not man-made. Okay, my bad, new example. Hmmm, natural and occurs in frequently in a region? Well, I guess I’m going to start cheering for the Oakland AIDS.
Buffalo Bills
The Buffalo Bills have a unique spot in the world of professional sports, being the only franchise named after a man; “Buffalo” Bill Cody, the famed wild-west gun slinger, showman, and entrepreneur. In some ways this is exceptionally creative incorporation of history, a town’s name, and a clever pun. And for many of the same reasons that I would consider the Bills on a list of the Top 10 sports franchise names, it also belongs on the bottom. Let’s take a look at the facts.
Buffalo Bill toured for decades as part of a Wild West show and was a cowboy folk-hero come to life who awed hundreds of thousands of admirers. It makes for great imagery. There are a few slight problems with naming the western-most New York NFL franchise after this man, despite the witty pun. Buffalo Bill was not born in Buffalo, nor did he ever live in Buffalo. Buffalo is not in the West. It’s not even in the Mid-West. Geographically speaking, it would be like naming a future Nebraska NBA franchise after the Statue of Liberty, a bowl of Gumbo, or some Palm Trees.
All of this could have been forgiven, however, if not for the completely lazy logo; a charging Buffalo. I understand it might be tough to draw a Bill (What is a Bill anyway? Perhaps an Amendment-to-Be?), but why not get rid of the Great Blue Buffalo and draw a mean cowboy? The fact that so much could have been done with this name, and that it failed in the way it has is completely inexcusable and as a result gets planted firmly in the number one spot of worst franchise names.
The New York Yankees. The Boston Celtics. The Detroit Redwings. The Dallas Cowboys. Notice how the historic franchises all have great team names? Even some of those old teams who just can’t get a winning break (Detroit Lions, Pittsburgh Pirates, Toronto Maple Leafs) can take some pride in knowing their names are synonymous with having some great names and great logos. Records aside, there will never be shame in wearing a Chicago Blackhawks shirt.
Then there’s those teams whose gear you just don’t want to be caught dead in. Here’s a look at some of those team names that just fail at inspiring fan pride or just flat out fail on a multitude of levels.
Calgary Flames
The NHL’s Calgary Flames suffer from displaced team syndrome, which we will see again. Originally the Atlanta Flames, the team was commemorates the burning of Atlanta by General Sherman in the Civil War. This may seem a little morbid considering the casualties suffered by the South during Sherman’s infamous march to see, but it’s a pretty solid name with great historical basis (which tends to make for great sports franchise naming). However, for either marketing reasons or sheer laziness, the franchise failed to rename themselves after their 1980 move to Calgary, simply changing their logo from a flaming A to a flaming C.
Team owner Nelson Skalbania insisted the name would fit well into an “oil town” such as Calgary, taking a page from the Edmonton Oilers (which Skalbania also once owned), but in doing so, he managed to ignore the imagery most associated with Calgary and most of the entire province of Alberta; the image of the cowboy. Even if they chose not to take the name of the failed WHA franchise, the cowboys, nor intrude on the CFL’s Calgary Roughriders, the Flames could have creatively honored the province’s traditions in a much more effective way.
Seattle Mariners
I like the Mariners current uniforms. I like their logo and its charming simplicity. I like their current color scheme as well as their classic blue and yellow coloring. Why am I including it on this list of teams with shabby names? What’s the largest trading port in America? Los Angeles? Next largest? Long Beach, CA. Next after that? New York. Next? Oakland? See my point. What’s the largest in Washington? Tacoma.
Yes, Seattle is on the sea. Yes, it’s a large port and home to plenty of ships. However, it’s not the biggest sea city on the West Coast. It’s not even the biggest in its own state! Go ask people on the street big port cities on the west. You’ll hear LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Portland, and probably a few others before Seattle comes to mind. And yet we throw the most nautical name we can think of on a franchise more known for its aeronautical development than it’s famous sailors (What, didn’t you know Jason and his Argonauts and Sinbad all grew up in Seattle? Yeah, they lived down the pier from Odysseus). It could be worse. It’s not like they’re the Seattle Corn Huskers or Seattle Washingtons, but it still makes the list for its failure to invoke an appropriate image for the city. Other teams will suffer from this, as we’ll see, and its aforementioned logo and color scheme save it from abject failure, but its general poopiness needs to be mentioned.
Utah Jazz
Like the Calgary Flames, here’s a franchise that suffers from lazy name syndrome. Once the New Orleans Jazz, the move of the franchise to the most conservative state of the union with more laws banning sex, alcohol, drugs, and loud concert venues that most other states to combined provides us with a ridiculous team names. The New Orleans Jazz is a great team name. You think jazz, you think N’awlns. You think N’awlns, you think jazz. You think Utah, you think mountains, Mormons, and not much else. Utah is about as jazzy as Maine is a hip hop center. Milwaukee Calypso anyone? Honolulu Rockers?
Columbus Blue Jackets
Named for Ohio’s “extensive Civil War history,” the Blue Jackets’ team name fails not for the idea, but for its poor implementation. The image of a blue-jacketed soldier charging into battle with gun in hand (or hockey stick) easily could have been one of the coolest logos going. If only the JMAC Hockey group who own the team had thought of this.
Instead of what could have been a great logo with a brave Union soldier on skates in a style similar to the UMass Minuteman or West Virginia Mountaineer, we get a mishmash of bad patriotic imagery. The Blue Jackets were represented for nearly a decade by a cartoonish blue bumblebee surrounded by various stars and stripes. Somewhere between a hornet, a yellow jacket, and a wasp (the non-martini kind), the patriotic bumble bee team ignored all Civil War references until a Civil War shoulder-patch was added in 2005. By then, it was too late, and NHL fans are stuck with a
Houston Texans
I love Lamar Hunt. His founding of the AFL to directly rival the NFL was a move of unprecedented ballsiness (yes, that’s a new word). His operation of the Kansas City Chiefs was admired by every other owner in the league. What most people don’t know, however, is that the Kansas City Chiefs were once the Dallas Texans. A lazy name, but their logo was every bit as lazy, and in its own way, quite clever: The state of Texas with a small star marking Dallas. Simple, cool, with a nice retro 1960’s feel.
Let’s flash forward 40+ years later. The city of Houston gets a franchise again. Having lost one of the best names in sports (the Oilers), they choose to honor their great state and indirectly, the former AFL franchise and go with the Houston Texans as their name. The first time, it was cool. A second time, it seems lazy, and not in the cool simplistic way.
I understand that a Texan has his own image of a tough and rugged western-type guy who could suck the venom out of a rattlesnake and spit it at you to kill you. That’s cool; that’s why we have the Dallas Cowboys. And the Texas Rangers. And the Dallas Stars. And the Dallas Mavericks. And the San Antonio Spurs.
I’m certain Houston (whose names Astros, Rockets, and Oilers are all quite top) could have done better. The name isn’t awful, but it’s so underwhelming that it just falls flat. Add a rather blah red, white, and blue cow that looks like it could be the front view of a Buffalo Bill (more of that later), and you get a franchise deserving of its constant mediocre finishes.
New York Islanders
While I hate to pick on my favorite hockey team, it needs to be done. Based out of Long Island, also known as Northeast Jew Heaven, the New York Islanders had an astonishing four straight Stanley Cups after existing as a franchise for under a decade. Don’t think that’s impressive? Imagine the Tampa Bay Rays winning 4 straight from 2006-2009. However, when you consider their name, they almost don’t deserve it.
Suffering from Houston Texan syndrome (the Phillies get a pass for their history), they’ve gone and named a team after its location. While it’s not that awful, the imagery it invokes diminishes any value to the team name. I say New York, what do you think? Skyscrapers? Taxis? Pizza? Subways? If we did a word association Family Feud style, I’d bet about 100+ words would come up before Islander ever did. This isn’t as bad as say the Los Angeles (ain’t got no) Lakers (who also get a pass for their long history and the humor in their name), but if you’re going to try the word association game, wouldn’t the Florida Keys, Hawaii Islanders, Boston Harborers make a lot more sense?
Toronto Raptors
One of the worst things you can say about any creation is “It’s very dated.” Say it about an old movie, no one wants to watch it. Say it about a book, it’s not taken seriously. Say it about music, and it gets relegated to the oldies station. Guess what? The Toronto Raptors might be the most dated name in sports. Founded in 1995, right during the Dinosaur-fever brought about by Jurassic Park and its terrible thunder lizards, the Toronto Raptors took a great city and stuck it with a poor name and cartoonish logo that made things even worse.
Dating aside, the name is bland, unimaginative, and seemingly silly when surrounded by a league that for the most part has some great names. To make matters worse, the owners passed on naming the franchise the Toronto Saurus Rex, which would have been an instant so-bad-its-good classic.
New Jersey Nets
The New Jersey Nets, the New York Knicks slower kid brother. I almost like this name: A net is part of a basketball game, it’s somewhat catchy, and it went along with many of the other ABA team names that tried to be abstract. The main problem is, the more you think about it, the stupider it gets.
The New Jersey Nets. Why nets? I understand they’d never live down the name the “New Jersey Balls” (though think of the great “Celtics Whip Balls in Physical Thriller” headlines) and the New Jersey Hoops sounds somewhat silly. The net, however, is a superfluous part of the game. It makes a nice swooshing sound and gives a more definitive answer to those upper-deck nosebleed fans asking themselves “Did they make the basket?” Still, take away the net and the game of basketball is still basketball.
Not a good enough argument? Okay, let’s plug this formula into other sports and see how you feel. “Hey buddy, you ready for the game?” “Hell yeah, I’ve got my yellow face paint on. Can’t wait to see the Oklahoma Foul Poles take down the Missouri Mounds!” “Hey, I have an extra Greensboro Goalie Crease ticket tonight, you game?” “In shocking news today, Terrell Owens was traded for cash considerations to the Ellis Island End Zones.” See my point?
Carolina Hurricanes
All of you former Whaler fans can breathe a sigh of relief, I’ve made sure that Peter Karmanos’ franchise made this much maligned list. No, you denizens of Hartford, I’m not downgrading the Hurricanes for not keeping the name of the Whale and the Brass Bonanza theme song when they moved. What bothers me is the name itself, the hurricanes.
I don’t care about political correctness any more than I care about satisfying the personal feelings of the masses of precious snowflakes in the country. The name Hurricanes, however, seems a touch insensitive. As I’ve said previously, fierce animals make good team names. Historical references make good team names. Unique and clever puns make good team names. Local traditions make good team names. I’m sure the latter was what Peter Karmanos was thinking when he moved the team: “Carolina has a lot of hurricanes, it’s a nice fierce storm! We’ll blow through teams on the way to a Stanley Cup!” That’s great, Pete.
Here’s the problem Petey-boy: what good comes from a Hurricane? Next to floods (many of which are caused by hurricanes), hurricanes do more damage in America than any other natural disaster. Katrina, Andrew, Hugo; all of these names bring with them thoughts of disaster and countless destruction. It’s not like there’s much upside to a hurricane the way there is to the Indian monsoons, which bring much needed moisture to the hundreds of millions of people living in the otherwise arid Deccan plateau.
Sure, there are minor league teams named after Earthquakes, Tornadoes, and even an NBA team named after Thunder, but when you think about it, we might as well rename the New York Knicks the New York Muslim Extremist Pilots. Go MEPS! Okay, perhaps that’s a touch indelicate. Maybe it’s acceptable because a hurricane is a natural phenomenon and not man-made. Okay, my bad, new example. Hmmm, natural and occurs in frequently in a region? Well, I guess I’m going to start cheering for the Oakland AIDS.
Buffalo Bills
The Buffalo Bills have a unique spot in the world of professional sports, being the only franchise named after a man; “Buffalo” Bill Cody, the famed wild-west gun slinger, showman, and entrepreneur. In some ways this is exceptionally creative incorporation of history, a town’s name, and a clever pun. And for many of the same reasons that I would consider the Bills on a list of the Top 10 sports franchise names, it also belongs on the bottom. Let’s take a look at the facts.
Buffalo Bill toured for decades as part of a Wild West show and was a cowboy folk-hero come to life who awed hundreds of thousands of admirers. It makes for great imagery. There are a few slight problems with naming the western-most New York NFL franchise after this man, despite the witty pun. Buffalo Bill was not born in Buffalo, nor did he ever live in Buffalo. Buffalo is not in the West. It’s not even in the Mid-West. Geographically speaking, it would be like naming a future Nebraska NBA franchise after the Statue of Liberty, a bowl of Gumbo, or some Palm Trees.
All of this could have been forgiven, however, if not for the completely lazy logo; a charging Buffalo. I understand it might be tough to draw a Bill (What is a Bill anyway? Perhaps an Amendment-to-Be?), but why not get rid of the Great Blue Buffalo and draw a mean cowboy? The fact that so much could have been done with this name, and that it failed in the way it has is completely inexcusable and as a result gets planted firmly in the number one spot of worst franchise names.
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